Please welcome Tracy Ruckman and Darlene Franklin

Allow me to introduce two new contributing editors recently added to the Book Doctor Blog.

Tracy Ruckman is a full-time freelance writer, editor, and photographer. She offers full editing services through her company Write Integrity Editorial Services, and earlier this summer began coordinating WIES Workshops – online writing courses for anyone interested in writing for the Christian market. She also owns the popular Pix-N-Pens blog where a team of writers, editors, and photographers offers book reviews; freelance writing, editing, and marketing advice; photography tips and assignments; writing prompts; and even frequent contests!

Her story, “Miracle of the Nativity,” is included in the book Christmas Miracles by Cecil Murphey and Marley Gibson. The book, released last month by St. Martin’s Press, is headed for bestseller lists and will also be published in Swedish.

Tracy is happily married to her very own Prince Charming and they live in the boonies of Alabama, with their spoiled dog and a host of wild critters. She’s the proud mom of two grown sons who live in metro Atlanta.

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Award-winning author and speaker Darlene Franklin has recently returned to cowboy (and cowgirl) country—Oklahoma. The move was prompted by her desire to be close to family—mother Anita, son Jaran, daughter-in-law Shelley and three beautiful granddaughters. Her daughter Jolene has preceded her into glory.

Darlene loves music, needlework, reading and reality TV. Talia, a Lynx point Siamese cat, proudly claims Darlene as her person.

Darlene has published four books and two novellas previously, all with Barbour Publishing: Romanian Rhapsody, Beacon of Love, and two mysteries, Gunfight at Grace Gulch and A String of Murders. Dressed in Scarlet, which appeared in the Christmas anthology Snowbound Colorado Christmas, has finalled in the 2009 Book of the Year contest sponsored by American Christian Fiction Writers. Lucy Ames, Sharpshooter (in Wild West Christmas) is available in bookstores now. Look for Darlene’s next historical romance, Prodigal Patriot (book 1 of Green Mountain Brides) next summer.

Visit Darlene’s blog at Darlene Franklin. Darlene offers editorial services under Franklin's Pen Editorial Services. Contact her at belovedfranklin@msn.com for further information.

If any of you would like more information on these two talented ladies, scroll down the sidebar on the left and click on their pictures. This will take you to their websites or blogs.

Thank you Tracy and Darlene for joining us.

Overview of "The Beach"

Anita (and others), I apologize for the delayed response to the latest submission. I simply got swamped, and because of that, I'll be involving more editors to keep the blog moving. Thank you (especially Anita) for your patience.

Since we're talking about children's fiction, and the author is clearly British, please keep in mind, the rules for British children's books may vary from American rules. The American books regarding children's fiction are located on the left sidebar; however, Anita, since you're in the UK, you might more easily get your hands on a British title: Writing for Children and Getting Published by Allan Frewin Jones and Lesley Pollinger. In my opinion this doesn't cover as much ground as Tracy E. Dils' book You Can Write Children's Books, which is American. Another helpful book is Alijandra Mogilner's Children's Writer's Word Book which is a handy thesaurus and lists the appropriate age group for each word. Yes, another American book.

Folks, the general population believes that writing for children is much easier than writing for adults. I beg to differ. There are many aspects in children's fiction that do not apply to adult fiction. In adult fiction, we don't have to worry about whether or not a word might be too difficult to understand for the reader, and sentences may be as long as we wish. With children's fiction, there are strict guidelines regarding sentence length and vocabulary. As far as picture books are concerned, that's a whole different story. No "pun" intended. With picture books, the illustrations tell as much of the story as the text. Finding the right balance isn't easy.

Now to begin: Because of the length, I assumed this was a picture book text. However, based on what Anita shared in the comments (this being for the 6-10 year age group), that would mean, this is actually a chapter book. (Well done, Victoria!)

What is a chapter book?

A chapter book bridges the gap between picture books and novels.

They have fewer illustrations than picture books and some may not have any illustrations at all. So Anita, your wonderful descriptions may stay.

Chapter books may vary in length, anywhere from 1500 to 15,000 words.

They have one main character who has a problem and that character needs to find a solution to his or her problem, overcoming obstacles on the way. (Not much unlike a novel.)

Chapter books also have shorter sentences than what you'd find in a middle reader or novel. Sentence length should be no longer than 10-15 words. If you go over this, it's not the end of the world; however, I would definitely make an effort to shorten the sentences in the piece below. Most of them are too long.

Difficult (and foreign) words should be defined in the text. Anita, I didn’t find any words that I felt were unsuitable for a chapter book. Still, I'll provide an example of how a word can be defined in the text by using its context (the following is taken from my novel; take note that the same rule can be applied in adult fiction): Titus ordered David to stand in the center of the room next to the impluvium. David ran his hand along the smooth edge of the large marble fountain that collected rainwater from an opening in the roof. Here we learn that an "impluvium" is a "fountain" without "telling" the reader or having to set up a "dictionary" in our book (one of my pet-peeves in fiction). A reader should not have to stop mid-story to look up an unfamiliar or foreign word. The story continues to unfold without stopping the action.

It was mentioned that this is one story in a series. Series books tend to be for "middle readers" which is just a step above chapter books. However, since this is one story, you can probably combine all of them, creating one book. Remember, they can be as long as 15,000 words, so "The Beach" would be one chapter. Keep in mind, each publisher will have their own specific guidelines for length.

Anita, your writing is excellent. The only thing to avoid are the "telling" words, such as "warned." A person can't "warn" a statement. I'm sure you're tired of hearing me say this, but I have to so others can learn. See explanation of "attributions" below. And we all know, rules are meant to be broken.

I didn't edit the manuscript for a number of reasons:

The writing is excellent, and I dare not touch it to shorten the sentences for fear I'll intrude on Anita's voice. She has to do that herself. Most of the sentences need to be shortened, and by my attempting to do that, the rhythm will change, not to mention the vocabulary that Anita would likely choose. This particular rhythm and vocabular is uniquely Anita's and can't be immitated. It defines her voice.

There's also too much introspection for a chapter book. Kids need stories with "movement." In other words, we need a lot of action and dialogue.

The ending should be the beginning; therefore, I suggest a complete rewrite, starting the story at the end when Rhy's discovers the first of the Sandelves. The ending of the story is excellent. It was my favourite part. Problem is, it's your "hook" and should be in the opening paragraphs.

The story needs a "plot" as Janet suggested. Each chapter should have a beginning, middle and an end. Establish Rhys' goal and create the conflict. You've done well to do that by having Mum interrupt his discovery. Another reason that part needs to open the story.

Anita, I love the idea of Sandelves! I realize, suggesting that you revamp this entire submission is a bit daunting, but I believe you're onto something unique and fun for children.

Whatever you do, don't give up on these stories!

Update

Normally, I would have posted the edited version of the lastest submission. I apologize for the delay. I'm wrapping up a client right now, so I'm afraid that has to take priority.

Picture Book text up for critique

Everyone, thank you for all your feedback on the other posts. Now, I hope you'll all dive in on this post. I had set a rule that I wouldn't put up anything longer than give or take 500 words. Well, we're stretching it on this one. The following post is the entire story of a picture book (without the pictures), written by one of my talented critique partners Anita Davison. Anita is from Surrey, England, which you'll notice reflects in her writing.

She's anxious to hear your thoughts, so have at it.

The Beach

Rhys bounded down the front steps of the cottage two at a time.

“Don’t go far,” his mother warned. “And stay away from the harbour.”

“Yes Mum,” Rhys called over his shoulder. As he had been told, he paused to look both ways before crossing the road. Once on the other side, he climbed the low sea wall and jumped down onto the sand.

The journey to the coast had been long and hot, so when his Dad’s car pulled up in front of the house, Rhys couldn’t wait to get into the fresh air.

With his hands thrust deep into the pockets of his shorts, his feet scuffed the warm sand. He stopped every few steps to lift each foot in turn to see the grains trickle out, gold and sparkly over his socks.

Fluffy white clouds scudded by in a bright blue sky, while fat seagulls dipped and swooped at bits of discarded picnic on the beach.

The stubby bows of brightly painted fishing boats tied to the quay bobbed and pulled against the ropes. Rhys loved boats. But he had promised he wouldn’t go near the harbour. The water was deep there.

Wet from the outgoing tide, the sand sucked at his feet, his footsteps filling instantly with water at each step. He wanted to tell someone about it, but there was no one there.

Maybe Dad would come with him next time.

Dad. He’d behaved strangely since he came out of the hospital. He spent all his time these days sitting in his armchair, staring out at the garden or nothing at all. He had injured his leg so badly when he crashed the car, Mum said, the doctors had put a metal pin inside. Rhys imagined that must hurt a lot. No wonder Dad was unhappy.

To give his father’s leg time to heal, they were to spend the whole summer in the narrow house with blue shutters that overlooked the bay.

At first, Rhys had been upset at the thought of going away for so long. Would his friends at home forget him? His gaze flicked over the line of houses strung along the base of the cliff, wondering if any children his age lived there.

An orange sun dipped into the sea, and a line of frothy white waves curled and fell in the distance. A boat with white sails skimmed across the bay.

Around him, grown ups sat on beach towels, sleeping. Children played in the sand with buckets and spades, or ran in and out of the surf while a little black dog barked at them.

Piles of stones seemed to be jumbled together at the base of the cliff, some twice as high as Rhys himself. Staggered, like steps, their edges had been rubbed smooth by the waves.

Rhys liked climbing, so he pulled himself up to the top of a section to where a large flat rock rested on the top.

It wasn’t high enough to worry Mum, but he had a good view of the tops of people’s heads as they passed below. The middle was filled with water so clear, Rhys could see right the way down to the sand on the bottom. It was a rock pool.

Bigger than a bath, but not quite as big as a paddling pool, the water sparkled in the late afternoon sun. The layer of sand at the bottom seemed magnified, almost fluffy; its surface scattered with shells and tiny black pebbles.

Taking off his shoes, Rhys lay on his tummy and wriggled to the edge. The sun was warm on his back as he stared into the water, his nose a few inches above the surface and his hands shielding his eyes. “I like it here,” he murmured aloud.

Seagulls screeched over head, and off in the distance, the waves whooshed and sighed on the beach. The smell of seaweed drying in the sun smelled sharp on the breeze.

Rhys grew sleepy lying there and closed his eyes for a second. He didn’t mean to fall asleep, but when a seagull screeched close by, he woke with a start.

The car park was almost empty, and the beach was almost deserted but for a man walking his dog by the shoreline. Two children ran towards the car park, trailing sand-caked spades behind them. Then Rhys heard a familiar voice and turned to look at the house with the blue shutters.

His mother stood at the door, waving. “Your tea’s ready, Rhys.”

Rhys grinned. “Oh, good. I’m starving.” He searched around for his shoes and spotted them half concealed between two rocks. As he leaned forward to retrieve them, he sensed something move in the water below.

He froze. A face stared up at him from the bottom of the pool. A face with flowing blue hair and round green eyes.

“Rhys, I can’t wait here all day, come on now!” his mother called again.

Rhys looked up, nodded and waved. “I’m coming, Mum!”

He grabbed his shoes, then turned back to the pool. It was empty.

Critiques

Thanks to everyone who participated in the discussion with Dave King. I hope you all found his answers helpful.

During this discussion, Debra brought up an interesting point about receiving criticism of our work.

It can be overwhelming to receive so many conflicting opinions. When that happens to me, I'll simply read through the advice and set it aside for a while. Then I'll come back to it after a few days. Keep in mind, any feedback on your work is simply "advice." That means, take it or leave it. If I get three people that mention the same "problem," then I consider changing it. But if it's just one person and no one else, I ignore it--unless it's something that really speaks to me. In the end, go with your gut. I've seen several writers lose their voice (and their passion for writing) when they've tried to please everyone. You're not going to please everyone. That's just the way it is with "art." :-) Even bestselling authors receive criticism, and sometimes hate mail.

How do the rest of you deal with criticism/feedback on your work?

An answer to Debra's first question

I am writing in my hero's POV. He is watching and interacting with a secondary character that he knows pretty well. I write "The woman bristled with unspoken opinion." To me, I believe a POV character can tell when someone is itching to speak. But I've been told this is a POV hop. ~Debra

As we walk around in life, we read emotions from other people all the time, either by their actions or facial expressions. The question is has the hero interpreted that emotion correctly? Perhaps the hero assumes the other character was "bristling with unspoken opinion" and then later discovers that the character had remembered something important that had nothing to do with the situation at hand. POV can lead one character to interpret another character's emotion, or misinterpret that emotion. In the case you describe above, the main character can see that the other character is "itching to speak." This is not a POV jump. All of this is simply the art of storytelling, and "The woman bristled with unspoken opinion" is a creative way to "show" that emotion.

Yes, there are rules to writing fiction (that's why we're here), but we become like Microsoft Word's grammar checker when we strike out every line that "could be" a POV jump, or a line that has one "ly" adverb, or one too many exclamation points, etc.

I was once told that I had an overuse of exclamation points in my text. Normally, I'd agree with this, assuming they were misused. But someone was about to die and three characters needed to shout. It wasn't "wrong," but the contest judge marked it as wrong and docked my manuscript several points. Of course, I griped to Dave about it.


Here's what he said (and I don't believe he minds me quoting him here):


"I've run into the kind of editorial comment you've seen -- mechanical and reflexive. Basically, it's easier to strike out, say, every -ly adverb than to think about when they are appropriate. It's Microsoft's grammar checker trying to do fiction."

As self-editors, as critique partners, and as judges in contests, the question we need to ask ourselves is whether or not the use of that ly adverb, etc, is appropriate. Are people actually shouting? Then use an exclamation point. Are they just excited and not necessarily shouting, then don't use the exclamation point.

The problem with POV hopping is what I explained below. It's to avoid confusion. The statement: "The woman bristled with unspoken opinion" does not create confusion. It does not dislodge the reader, leaving them wondering where they're at in the story. We still know we're in the hero's head, so it's not a POV jump.

Any more questions? I'd be happy to answer them.

I hope this was helpful.

Answers from Dave King

First, thanks to Sandi for giving us a chance to get together.

To take the last question first, Jill, I'm afraid there are no rules. Omniscient narrator is not wrong, but . . .

If you're writing from the omniscient narrator, you lose the opportunity to use wonderfully subtle tools for creating characters like describing things in language that reflects your viewpoint character's state of mind. Avoiding omniscient narrator also allows your interior monologue to flow naturally, without all those awkward mechanics, like "he or she thought," italics, or shifts to the first person. It's not necessary to use first or third person -- Jane Austen created some brilliant characters in the omniscient narrator -- but it is easier.

I've sometimes seen the omniscient narrator used extremely effectively. Consider the first chapter of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. But J. K. Rowling then moved to the third person to let all her readers fall thoroughly in love with Harry.

Debra and Jeannie, I'm not entirely sure what "deep" POV is. I've always thought of the third person POV as being an intimacy/distance continuum, running from something close to omniscient narrator at the distance end to something close to first person at the intimacy end. One of the elements that locates your point on that continuum is the language you use -- including the names your viewpoint character uses for himself or herself and for others. At the intimate end, your character might refer to her father as "Dad." A little further toward the distance end, it might be "her father." Just try not to change distance too abruptly -- by using two or more different referents in the same scene, for instance.

My website, http://www.davekingedits.com/, has an article that goes into more depth on POV.

Hope this helps,

Dave

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Debra, I will answer your other question in the next post. ~Sandi