Attributions aren't "wrong." Using them doesn't mean your writing is poor. But if a beat of action can be used, that would be much better. Why? Beats of action can pull your reader deeper into your story. How does it do that? Beats give readers something to see, smell, touch, taste or hear; they reveal details about the character and the setting; they help eliminate useless words; and they can make the writing more active.
If Character A's dialogue is in the same paragraph as the action of Character A, we'll know who's talking, so there's no reason to add "he/she said."
Notice below, we know who's talking because the action and the dialogue of each character is in the same paragraph:
"Let her go!" Abba pushed away from a soldier with his shoulder and lunged forward. "She has nothing to do with this!"
The third soldier rushed over, grabbed Abba and held him back. "Oh, really? That's not what we heard." He motioned toward the man touching Mamma. "Aulus, shouldn't convicts pay the full penalty for their crimes?"
Depending on how attributions are used, they can also become a form of telling. I'll discuss that in Part Three.
So, the fewer attributions, the better.
Here are some before and after examples:
BEFORE
"Let her go!" Abba shouted, pushing away from the soldier. "She has nothing to do with this!"
AFTER
"Let her go!" Abba pushed away from the soldier. "She has nothing to do with this!"
Can you feel the difference between these two lines? "Pushed" is more active than "pushing." It gives the writing more life. A part of the scene is played out with ongoing action; the scene moves forward. The exclamation mark shows that the character is shouting, so there's no reason to tell the readers that Abba is shouting by adding, "he shouted." Also, the sentence is shorter, giving it more punch, which adds to the tension of the scene.
But what about scenes that aren't supposed to have this kind of tension? Will eliminating attributions add tension to a scene that doesn't need it? Scenes will usually have tension, just a different kind.
Here's an example where the tension is beneath the surface, rather than an outside force:
"Well, I'm glad I don't have any sin." Alethea swung her legs as she sat on the wall. She thought to scoot in closer to David so her arm might brush against his. Instead, she basked in his scent of leather and pine.
David rested his elbows on his knees and watched her, but Alethea avoided his gaze. "No one is without sin." He leaned toward her. "No one."
She glanced at him from the corner of her eye, but quickly refocused her attention on the horizon. "It doesn't make sense." She shrugged. "Why make someone die when he could clap his hands and say, 'Your sins are forgiven,' and be done with it?"
David stared at her for a while, his mouth closed as if tasting her words.
Shifting under his scrutinizing gaze, she leaned forward and watched the birds soar and dance on the air in front of them.
A gentle breeze caressed her cheek as David lifted her chin. He forced her to look at him. His blue eyes fixated on hers.
"Passion," he said.
Alethea took a long shuddering breath.
"What shows greater love?" He continued to hold her chin. "Someone who sacrifices himself to save your life, or just claps his hands?"
There are times you'll want your scene to move slowly and adding an attribution will help slow the pace or create the right rhythm. This leads to my favorite subject: breaking the rules. Notice above how after the dialogue "Passion" one attribution is used, but it works to create the right rhythm.
Like I said, attributions aren't "wrong." Just use them with care.
Is this information helpful?
Monday, August 31, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Attributions (dialogue tags)
Let's talk about those pesky dialogue tags, otherwise known as attributions. Did you notice in the final rewrite of the text below (http://thebookdoctorbd.blogspot.com/) that there were no attributions? No, not one. In light of that fact, isn't it interesting that we knew who was talking the entire time, whether it was a soldier, David or his parents? How is that possible? Not one "said" word gave it away? How can that be?
How were we able to follow who was talking?
If anyone is interested in answering that question, we'd love to hear from you.
Oh, for those that don't know what an attribution is, it's "said." As in "he said, she said," etc.
How were we able to follow who was talking?
If anyone is interested in answering that question, we'd love to hear from you.
Oh, for those that don't know what an attribution is, it's "said." As in "he said, she said," etc.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
The Master's Wall (final version)
Here's the final draft of The Master's Wall. Compare this version to the one you all edited below. Note the differences. What do the differences teach you?
Rome, 76 A.D.
David tried not to cry, tried not to breathe or make a sound as he crept along the dark street. Careful not to trip on the flat stones, he recalled how that morning he'd taken this same path, chasing friends between the alleys, pretending they were gladiators fighting at the Circus Maximus. Now again he followed the enemy. Only this enemy was real. There were three of them. And they had taken his parents.
Mamma. Abba.
He wanted to shout out their names, to cry out to them.
He could still feel Mamma's hand in his. Could feel her letting go as the soldiers pulled her away. Could feel her stola ripping as he clutched it. All he had left was the shredded fabric from her dress still in his hand.
How empty his hand felt now that she was gone.
He made a fist. All he had in the world. Snatched away. And now their lives might depend on him. On what he would do at this moment. He was just a child, a boy. What could he do? He'd follow them, see where they were taken. Then he could get help. Manius would know what to do.
Voices carried off the mud-brick apartments. David pinned his back against a wall. A shadow moved and he glanced down. A rat scurried across the large stones through the empty street. He released his breath, only then realizing he'd been holding it.
Slowly, he peered around the wall. His fingers quivered as he gripped the brick. Three soldiers towered over his parents in the small street. They looked like giants. Giants with horsehair crests on their heads. Half human, half animal.
One burly monster hurled Mamma forward. She stumbled, but caught herself against Abba's back and clung to his tunic. Abba helped her up and held her against him, but another soldier jerked them apart. These soldiers treated his parents like slaves, like common criminals. They weren't any of those things.
The soldier brandished chains in front of Mamma's face, laughing. Her eyes widened, and David knew she was scared. He'd seen Mamma scared before when he'd come home late one day. She had that same look in her eyes. She'd knelt in front of him and pulled him into her trembling arms. "David. How could you do this to me?" David's stomach had hurt because he'd frightened her. And now, he felt the same way. But what could he do?
The soldier chuckled as he knelt to bind her ankles, while another soldier held her from behind.
Abba would do something. He had to save Mamma. But now Abba's arms were bound behind his back.
The man's large hands locked the shackles into place on Mamma's ankles. He then ran his fingers up Mamma's leg, pulling her stola up to reveal her thigh. "Nice."
"Let her go!" Abba pushed away from a soldier with his shoulder and lunged forward. "She has nothing to do with this!"
The third soldier rushed over, grabbed Abba and held him back. "Oh, really? That's not what we heard." He motioned toward the man touching Mamma. "Aulus, shouldn't convicts pay the full penalty for their crimes?"
"Oh, yes." Aulus smiled and continued to touch Mamma, to touch her in places David had never seen Abba touch her. The man's big hands on her body made her look small, helpless.
Stop. David clenched his teeth. Stop it right now.
The burly soldier's hands ran all over her, frightening her.
Someone had to stop him. But no one else was around to help.
No one but David.
"Get away from her!" David ran straight for the soldier.
Rome, 76 A.D.
David tried not to cry, tried not to breathe or make a sound as he crept along the dark street. Careful not to trip on the flat stones, he recalled how that morning he'd taken this same path, chasing friends between the alleys, pretending they were gladiators fighting at the Circus Maximus. Now again he followed the enemy. Only this enemy was real. There were three of them. And they had taken his parents.
Mamma. Abba.
He wanted to shout out their names, to cry out to them.
He could still feel Mamma's hand in his. Could feel her letting go as the soldiers pulled her away. Could feel her stola ripping as he clutched it. All he had left was the shredded fabric from her dress still in his hand.
How empty his hand felt now that she was gone.
He made a fist. All he had in the world. Snatched away. And now their lives might depend on him. On what he would do at this moment. He was just a child, a boy. What could he do? He'd follow them, see where they were taken. Then he could get help. Manius would know what to do.
Voices carried off the mud-brick apartments. David pinned his back against a wall. A shadow moved and he glanced down. A rat scurried across the large stones through the empty street. He released his breath, only then realizing he'd been holding it.
Slowly, he peered around the wall. His fingers quivered as he gripped the brick. Three soldiers towered over his parents in the small street. They looked like giants. Giants with horsehair crests on their heads. Half human, half animal.
One burly monster hurled Mamma forward. She stumbled, but caught herself against Abba's back and clung to his tunic. Abba helped her up and held her against him, but another soldier jerked them apart. These soldiers treated his parents like slaves, like common criminals. They weren't any of those things.
The soldier brandished chains in front of Mamma's face, laughing. Her eyes widened, and David knew she was scared. He'd seen Mamma scared before when he'd come home late one day. She had that same look in her eyes. She'd knelt in front of him and pulled him into her trembling arms. "David. How could you do this to me?" David's stomach had hurt because he'd frightened her. And now, he felt the same way. But what could he do?
The soldier chuckled as he knelt to bind her ankles, while another soldier held her from behind.
Abba would do something. He had to save Mamma. But now Abba's arms were bound behind his back.
The man's large hands locked the shackles into place on Mamma's ankles. He then ran his fingers up Mamma's leg, pulling her stola up to reveal her thigh. "Nice."
"Let her go!" Abba pushed away from a soldier with his shoulder and lunged forward. "She has nothing to do with this!"
The third soldier rushed over, grabbed Abba and held him back. "Oh, really? That's not what we heard." He motioned toward the man touching Mamma. "Aulus, shouldn't convicts pay the full penalty for their crimes?"
"Oh, yes." Aulus smiled and continued to touch Mamma, to touch her in places David had never seen Abba touch her. The man's big hands on her body made her look small, helpless.
Stop. David clenched his teeth. Stop it right now.
The burly soldier's hands ran all over her, frightening her.
Someone had to stop him. But no one else was around to help.
No one but David.
"Get away from her!" David ran straight for the soldier.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Anyone can call themselves an editor.
During my years as an editor I've run into a number of clients who've had their work already "edited" by someone else, but they've found themselves discouraged and wanting to give up. Some have even said they feel like their story is no longer their own. When they've shown me what the person did to their work, I've been astonished to find their voice completely mutilated.
Just because a person has a degree in English does not mean they'd make a good editor—or shall I say, book doctor. Believe it or not, even published authors don't necessarily make good book doctors.
Personally, I think the term "editor" should belong to the copyeditors, and "book doctor" should belong to those that understand voice, dialogue, attributions, characterization, plot, etc. Of course, we check for spelling, grammar and punctuation, but in the end, that's the job of a copyeditor. Copyeditors are usually found in publishing houses. Your manuscript will end up on their desk after it's passed the test of "story" (i.e. plot, characterization, dialogue, etc). See the link to The Book Deal under my list of recommended links. There, Alan Rinzler talks about what makes a good editor/book doctor. Instead of the term "book doctor," he uses "developmental editor" and describes what that means. You may find it helpful.
Anyway, it bothers me to see "editors" taking advantage of writers. Some folks are only in it for the money and aren't interested in really helping authors. And other folks, simply don't know what they're doing.
Always be extra careful before you hand out large sums of money. Do your research, talk to previous clients, ask for references. A good editor will be happy to offer these things to you, and they will be willing to answer questions after the edit and/or speak to you on the phone. Be leery of any editor who isn't willing to do these things. Here are some links that would be good to read before you hire an editor: Warnings and Cautions for Writers and Preditors & Editors. If some of you have more, please send them my way, and I'll put them on the site.
My biggest advice on selecting a high quality editor is to ask to speak to (or email) previous clients. The clients already paid their dues, and they got a full edit. They're the ones who can tell you if the editor is worth their price.
Keep in mind, while I can't analyze every detail of the work of every editor here, the ones I put on this site are, in my opinion, the most trustworthy. Check 'em out, and if you're so inclined, hire one of them. :-) Side note: I'm not taking on any clients at this time.
One of the goals of this site is to teach writers how to recognize good editing. The biggest mistake I've seen editors make is to change a person's voice, therefore, killing their story. How can a writer know if someone is destroying their voice? Hang around here for a while, and hopefully you'll learn.
Got questions about what makes a good editor (book doctor)? Send them in: TheBookDoctor.bd@gmail.com.
Just because a person has a degree in English does not mean they'd make a good editor—or shall I say, book doctor. Believe it or not, even published authors don't necessarily make good book doctors.
Personally, I think the term "editor" should belong to the copyeditors, and "book doctor" should belong to those that understand voice, dialogue, attributions, characterization, plot, etc. Of course, we check for spelling, grammar and punctuation, but in the end, that's the job of a copyeditor. Copyeditors are usually found in publishing houses. Your manuscript will end up on their desk after it's passed the test of "story" (i.e. plot, characterization, dialogue, etc). See the link to The Book Deal under my list of recommended links. There, Alan Rinzler talks about what makes a good editor/book doctor. Instead of the term "book doctor," he uses "developmental editor" and describes what that means. You may find it helpful.
Anyway, it bothers me to see "editors" taking advantage of writers. Some folks are only in it for the money and aren't interested in really helping authors. And other folks, simply don't know what they're doing.
Always be extra careful before you hand out large sums of money. Do your research, talk to previous clients, ask for references. A good editor will be happy to offer these things to you, and they will be willing to answer questions after the edit and/or speak to you on the phone. Be leery of any editor who isn't willing to do these things. Here are some links that would be good to read before you hire an editor: Warnings and Cautions for Writers and Preditors & Editors. If some of you have more, please send them my way, and I'll put them on the site.
My biggest advice on selecting a high quality editor is to ask to speak to (or email) previous clients. The clients already paid their dues, and they got a full edit. They're the ones who can tell you if the editor is worth their price.
Keep in mind, while I can't analyze every detail of the work of every editor here, the ones I put on this site are, in my opinion, the most trustworthy. Check 'em out, and if you're so inclined, hire one of them. :-) Side note: I'm not taking on any clients at this time.
One of the goals of this site is to teach writers how to recognize good editing. The biggest mistake I've seen editors make is to change a person's voice, therefore, killing their story. How can a writer know if someone is destroying their voice? Hang around here for a while, and hopefully you'll learn.
Got questions about what makes a good editor (book doctor)? Send them in: TheBookDoctor.bd@gmail.com.
Monday, August 10, 2009
The Master's Wall, edited
Okay, the Track Changes feature won't show up on the posts, but the comments will. You'll just have to scroll to the end of the post to read them. Each one is numbered, so you'll know where they apply. (Coming back to this later: Next time, I'll put the comments right next to the text. It'll be much easier to follow that way.)
For replaced text, I bolded what should be deleted, and I wrote in red what should replace the deleted text. I colored the words green that are repetitious; I didn't even bother highlighting all the "David"s. And comments within the text are in purple. Confused yet?
We'll see how this goes. If this is too difficult to follow, please let me know and I'll find another method to show you what I mean.
I'll let all of you study this, then we'll talk in detail about the problems found in this text and other manuscripts.
If you have any questions about why I made a particular change, please ask. That's what we're here for. Also, if something new or enlightening catches your eye, leave a comment. I won't know what to cover if you folks don't tell me what you need.
IRON AND THE STONE
The Master's Wall, edited
Chapter One
Rome, 76 A.D.
David walked very quietly crept along the dark street. Those terrible soldiers had taken his parents. The soldiers had dragged them out of their [SGR1] home.
Now David was followed ing them. He wanted to know where the soldiers[SGR2] might take his parents. He felt like crying. He felt so scared. [SGR3]
He wondered [SGR4] if Maybe he could get help. The family friend, Manius, might be able to help. David knew [SGR5] Manius would know what to do.
Voices echoed through the dark street. David stopped in his tracks [SGR6] and pressed his back against the wall of a nearby apartment. He shivered with fear. He saw a shadow. A rat ran across the large stones through the empty street and David jumped.
David sighed with relief, [SGR7] then he slowly peaked [SGR8] around the wall. His whole body trembled and quivered as he gripped the brick wall of the apartment. That's when David saw [SGR9] that Three soldiers stood were standing[SGR10] over his parents in the small street.
One of the soldiers pushed Mamma forward. She tripped and fell against Abba who caught her, and she held on with her fists clung to his tunic. [SGR11] Abba helped her up and held her against him, but another soldier jerked them apart.
David felt [SGR12] very angry. He hated the way those soldiers were treating his parents. They acted like his parents were criminals, but they weren't.
David saw [SGR13] a soldier whip out chains and jingle them in front of Mamma's face, laughing[SGR14] . David could tell [SGR15] his mamma was scared of that mean soldier. But he didn't know [SGR16] what to do.
David heard [SGR17] the soldier chuckle as he knelt to bind Mamma's ankles, while another soldier held her arms securely behind her back. It hurt and she bit her lip to keep from screaming[SGR18] .
David hoped [SGR19] Abba would do something. Abba had to save Mamma. But now Abba's arms were bound behind his back.
David continued to watch [SGR20] as the soldier locked the shackles into place on Mamma's ankles. The bad man then ran his fingers up Mamma's leg, pulling her stola up to reveal her thigh. "Nice," the soldier said softly whispered. Normally, I'd say replace "said softly" with a stronger verb such as whispered. But we must also keep in mind that this whole scene is taking place in David's point of view. Would he be able to hear the soldier whisper? So, here's another change to consider: Why not cut the attribution completely and replace it with a beat of action? "Nice." The soldier hissed. --Doesn't that give you the chills? It does me!
"Let her go!" Abba screamed [SGR21] and pushed away from a soldier. "She has nothing to do with this!"
David watched [SGR22] the third soldier run over and hold Abba back. "Oh, really? That's not what we heard." He waved and pointed [SGR23] at the man touching Mamma. The he growled[SGR24] , "Aulus, shouldn't convicts pay the full penalty for their crimes?"
"Oh, yes," Aulus chuckled[SGR25] . He smiled and continued to touch Mamma, to touch her in places David had never seen Abba touch her. He touched her too much and he touched her [SGR26] everywhere.
Stop. David clenched his teeth. Stop it right now.
The mean, wicked, burly [SGR27] soldier's hands ran all over her. It scared her[SGR28] .
David knew [SGR29] someone had to stop him. But no one else was around to help, so he ran straight for the soldier. "Get away from her!"[SGR30]
[SGR1]"Who" is "their?" Clarify.
[SGR2]Watch for repetition.
[SGR3]Show.
[SGR4]We're in his head, so we know it's David "wondering."
[SGR5]No need for this. Again, we're in David's head, so we know that he's doing the "thinking." We call this a "gawking character."
[SGR6] Cliché.
[SGR7]Out of place. Why would he sigh with relief over a rat when he's afraid for his parents?
[SGR8]Misspelling. Should be peeked.
[SGR9]Gawking character.
[SGR10]Passive.
[SGR11]Break this up. Some detail (with her fists) isn't needed. Let your readers fill in the blanks.
[SGR12]Show.
[SGR13]Gawking.
[SGR14]Who's laughing?
[SGR15]Gawking.
[SGR16]Gawking.
[SGR17]Gawking. Most gawking is simply "telling." Show. Don't tell.
[SGR18]Point of view jump. We're in David's head. How did we suddenly get here? We should stay in David's head.
[SGR19]Gawking.
[SGR20]Gawking.
[SGR21]Can't "scream" a statement.
[SGR22]Need I say more?
[SGR23]Can't he do one thing?
[SGR24]Can't "growl" a statement. Also, keep attributions consistent. And replace attributions with a beat of action.
[SGR25]Nope. Can't do that either.
[SGR26]Got a bit of repetition going on here.
[SGR27]Pick one. No need to apply so many adjectives.
[SGR28]Show. Also a POV jump.
[SGR29]E-hem.
[SGR30]Note in final draft the change in this line.
For replaced text, I bolded what should be deleted, and I wrote in red what should replace the deleted text. I colored the words green that are repetitious; I didn't even bother highlighting all the "David"s. And comments within the text are in purple. Confused yet?
We'll see how this goes. If this is too difficult to follow, please let me know and I'll find another method to show you what I mean.
Mind you, when editing for a client, I'm not quite so crass. This is simply to show all of you what doesn't work.
I'll let all of you study this, then we'll talk in detail about the problems found in this text and other manuscripts.
If you have any questions about why I made a particular change, please ask. That's what we're here for. Also, if something new or enlightening catches your eye, leave a comment. I won't know what to cover if you folks don't tell me what you need.
IRON AND THE STONE
The Master's Wall, edited
Chapter One
Rome, 76 A.D.
David walked very quietly crept along the dark street. Those terrible soldiers had taken his parents. The soldiers had dragged them out of their [SGR1] home.
Now David was followed ing them. He wanted to know where the soldiers[SGR2] might take his parents. He felt like crying. He felt so scared. [SGR3]
He wondered [SGR4] if Maybe he could get help. The family friend, Manius, might be able to help. David knew [SGR5] Manius would know what to do.
Voices echoed through the dark street. David stopped in his tracks [SGR6] and pressed his back against the wall of a nearby apartment. He shivered with fear. He saw a shadow. A rat ran across the large stones through the empty street and David jumped.
David sighed with relief, [SGR7] then he slowly peaked [SGR8] around the wall. His whole body trembled and quivered as he gripped the brick wall of the apartment. That's when David saw [SGR9] that Three soldiers stood were standing[SGR10] over his parents in the small street.
One of the soldiers pushed Mamma forward. She tripped and fell against Abba who caught her, and she held on with her fists clung to his tunic. [SGR11] Abba helped her up and held her against him, but another soldier jerked them apart.
David felt [SGR12] very angry. He hated the way those soldiers were treating his parents. They acted like his parents were criminals, but they weren't.
David saw [SGR13] a soldier whip out chains and jingle them in front of Mamma's face, laughing[SGR14] . David could tell [SGR15] his mamma was scared of that mean soldier. But he didn't know [SGR16] what to do.
David heard [SGR17] the soldier chuckle as he knelt to bind Mamma's ankles, while another soldier held her arms securely behind her back. It hurt and she bit her lip to keep from screaming[SGR18] .
David hoped [SGR19] Abba would do something. Abba had to save Mamma. But now Abba's arms were bound behind his back.
David continued to watch [SGR20] as the soldier locked the shackles into place on Mamma's ankles. The bad man then ran his fingers up Mamma's leg, pulling her stola up to reveal her thigh. "Nice," the soldier said softly whispered. Normally, I'd say replace "said softly" with a stronger verb such as whispered. But we must also keep in mind that this whole scene is taking place in David's point of view. Would he be able to hear the soldier whisper? So, here's another change to consider: Why not cut the attribution completely and replace it with a beat of action? "Nice." The soldier hissed. --Doesn't that give you the chills? It does me!
"Let her go!" Abba screamed [SGR21] and pushed away from a soldier. "She has nothing to do with this!"
David watched [SGR22] the third soldier run over and hold Abba back. "Oh, really? That's not what we heard." He waved and pointed [SGR23] at the man touching Mamma. The he growled[SGR24] , "Aulus, shouldn't convicts pay the full penalty for their crimes?"
"Oh, yes," Aulus chuckled[SGR25] . He smiled and continued to touch Mamma, to touch her in places David had never seen Abba touch her. He touched her too much and he touched her [SGR26] everywhere.
Stop. David clenched his teeth. Stop it right now.
The mean, wicked, burly [SGR27] soldier's hands ran all over her. It scared her[SGR28] .
David knew [SGR29] someone had to stop him. But no one else was around to help, so he ran straight for the soldier. "Get away from her!"[SGR30]
[SGR1]"Who" is "their?" Clarify.
[SGR2]Watch for repetition.
[SGR3]Show.
[SGR4]We're in his head, so we know it's David "wondering."
[SGR5]No need for this. Again, we're in David's head, so we know that he's doing the "thinking." We call this a "gawking character."
[SGR6] Cliché.
[SGR7]Out of place. Why would he sigh with relief over a rat when he's afraid for his parents?
[SGR8]Misspelling. Should be peeked.
[SGR9]Gawking character.
[SGR10]Passive.
[SGR11]Break this up. Some detail (with her fists) isn't needed. Let your readers fill in the blanks.
[SGR12]Show.
[SGR13]Gawking.
[SGR14]Who's laughing?
[SGR15]Gawking.
[SGR16]Gawking.
[SGR17]Gawking. Most gawking is simply "telling." Show. Don't tell.
[SGR18]Point of view jump. We're in David's head. How did we suddenly get here? We should stay in David's head.
[SGR19]Gawking.
[SGR20]Gawking.
[SGR21]Can't "scream" a statement.
[SGR22]Need I say more?
[SGR23]Can't he do one thing?
[SGR24]Can't "growl" a statement. Also, keep attributions consistent. And replace attributions with a beat of action.
[SGR25]Nope. Can't do that either.
[SGR26]Got a bit of repetition going on here.
[SGR27]Pick one. No need to apply so many adjectives.
[SGR28]Show. Also a POV jump.
[SGR29]E-hem.
[SGR30]Note in final draft the change in this line.
Monday, August 3, 2009
The Self-Editor
One way to improve as a writer is to improve as an editor—an editor of our own work. So, we're going to take the time to put our skills to practice. Right now, we'll learn how to spot weaknesses in copy. This way we'll be better equipped to recognize it in our own manuscripts, and it'll jumpstart us on the details of "craft."
Please show us how to improve the following opening taken from a historical novel (488 words). This is from my own work and I messed it up real good for you. "Ouch." In the end, I'll show you the final draft. Trust me, it's much better! Yes, this is my pride speaking.
Be sure to read the How to give feedback link for pointers.
Looking forward to your responses!
IRON AND THE STONE
The Master's Wall
Chapter One
Rome, 76 A.D.
David walked very quietly along the dark street. Those terrible soldiers had taken his parents. The soldiers had dragged them out of their home.
Now David was following them. Where would the soldiers take his parents, he wondered. He felt like crying. He felt so scared.
Maybe he could get help, he thought. The family friend, Manius, might be able to help. David knew Manius would know what to do.
Voices echoed through the dark street. David stopped in his tracks and pressed his back against the wall of a nearby apartment. He shivered with fear. He saw a shadow. A rat ran across the large stones through the empty street. David jumped.
David sighed with relief, then he slowly peaked around the wall. His whole body trembled and quivered as he gripped the brick wall of the apartment. That's when David saw that three soldiers were standing over his parents in the small street.
One of the soldiers pushed Mamma forward. She tripped and fell against Abba who caught her, and she held on with her fists to his tunic. Abba helped her up and held her against him, but another soldier jerked them apart.
David felt very angry. He hated the way those soldiers were treating his parents. They acted like his parents were criminals, but they weren't.
David saw a soldier whip out chains and jingle them in front of Mamma's face, laughing. David could tell his mamma was scared of that mean soldier. But he didn't know what to do.
David heard the soldier chuckle as he knelt to bind Mamma's ankles, while another soldier held her arms securely behind her back. It hurt and she bit her lip to keep from screaming.
David hoped Abba would do something. Abba had to save Mamma. But now Abba's arms were bound behind his back.
David continued to watch as the soldier locked the shackles into place on Mamma's ankles. The bad man then ran his fingers up Mamma's leg, pulling her stola up to reveal her thigh. "Nice," the soldier said softly.
"Let her go!" Abba screamed and pushed away from a soldier. "She has nothing to do with this!"
David watched the third soldier run over and hold Abba back. "Oh, really?" the soldier said. "That's not what we heard." He motioned toward the man touching Mamma and shouted, "Aulus, shouldn't convicts pay the full penalty for their crimes?"
"Oh, yes," Aulus whispered. He smiled and continued to touch Mamma, to touch her in places David had never seen Abba touch her. He touched her too much and he touched her everywhere.
Stop, he thought. David clenched his teeth. Stop touching her right now.
The mean, wicked, burly soldier's hands touched her all over her. It scared her.
David knew someone had to stop him. But no one else was around to help.
No one but David, so he ran straight for the soldier. "Get away from her!"
All work posted on this blog is under copyright protection.
Please show us how to improve the following opening taken from a historical novel (488 words). This is from my own work and I messed it up real good for you. "Ouch." In the end, I'll show you the final draft. Trust me, it's much better! Yes, this is my pride speaking.
Be sure to read the How to give feedback link for pointers.
Looking forward to your responses!
IRON AND THE STONE
The Master's Wall
Chapter One
Rome, 76 A.D.
David walked very quietly along the dark street. Those terrible soldiers had taken his parents. The soldiers had dragged them out of their home.
Now David was following them. Where would the soldiers take his parents, he wondered. He felt like crying. He felt so scared.
Maybe he could get help, he thought. The family friend, Manius, might be able to help. David knew Manius would know what to do.
Voices echoed through the dark street. David stopped in his tracks and pressed his back against the wall of a nearby apartment. He shivered with fear. He saw a shadow. A rat ran across the large stones through the empty street. David jumped.
David sighed with relief, then he slowly peaked around the wall. His whole body trembled and quivered as he gripped the brick wall of the apartment. That's when David saw that three soldiers were standing over his parents in the small street.
One of the soldiers pushed Mamma forward. She tripped and fell against Abba who caught her, and she held on with her fists to his tunic. Abba helped her up and held her against him, but another soldier jerked them apart.
David felt very angry. He hated the way those soldiers were treating his parents. They acted like his parents were criminals, but they weren't.
David saw a soldier whip out chains and jingle them in front of Mamma's face, laughing. David could tell his mamma was scared of that mean soldier. But he didn't know what to do.
David heard the soldier chuckle as he knelt to bind Mamma's ankles, while another soldier held her arms securely behind her back. It hurt and she bit her lip to keep from screaming.
David hoped Abba would do something. Abba had to save Mamma. But now Abba's arms were bound behind his back.
David continued to watch as the soldier locked the shackles into place on Mamma's ankles. The bad man then ran his fingers up Mamma's leg, pulling her stola up to reveal her thigh. "Nice," the soldier said softly.
"Let her go!" Abba screamed and pushed away from a soldier. "She has nothing to do with this!"
David watched the third soldier run over and hold Abba back. "Oh, really?" the soldier said. "That's not what we heard." He motioned toward the man touching Mamma and shouted, "Aulus, shouldn't convicts pay the full penalty for their crimes?"
"Oh, yes," Aulus whispered. He smiled and continued to touch Mamma, to touch her in places David had never seen Abba touch her. He touched her too much and he touched her everywhere.
Stop, he thought. David clenched his teeth. Stop touching her right now.
The mean, wicked, burly soldier's hands touched her all over her. It scared her.
David knew someone had to stop him. But no one else was around to help.
No one but David, so he ran straight for the soldier. "Get away from her!"
All work posted on this blog is under copyright protection.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
How to give feedback
Sometimes a writer is asked to offer feedback on someone's work. That may also be the case here. So, allow me to share a few pointers.
FIRST RULE and LAST RULE: Always find something positive to say. No matter how poorly a piece is written, it is possible to find something positive. And don't just make something up. Be honest. I've been editing for nine years, and I've always managed to find something positive. If I can do it (and I'm pretty picky when it comes to the craft), anyone can do it.
1. If you can read, you can give feedback. If you’re not yet aware of all the “rules” for great prose, just tell the person how the piece honestly made you feel. Honesty with tact is the best policy. Give a person the type of feedback that you would like to receive.
2. Be constructive. Say what works about a piece, and what doesn’t work and why. Offer advice or suggestions on how to fix a rough section. Keep in mind, positive comments are just as helpful as negative (have at least one positive comment about a piece and be specific. “Wow, that’s great,” is not helpful).
3. Be objective. If a piece of work isn’t a genre you’d normally read, take this opportunity to open your mind. Ask yourself if the piece holds together well. Do the sequence of events follow a logical pattern, or is it confusing? Look at the writing itself. Is it well written?
FIRST RULE and LAST RULE: Always find something positive to say. No matter how poorly a piece is written, it is possible to find something positive. And don't just make something up. Be honest. I've been editing for nine years, and I've always managed to find something positive. If I can do it (and I'm pretty picky when it comes to the craft), anyone can do it.
1. If you can read, you can give feedback. If you’re not yet aware of all the “rules” for great prose, just tell the person how the piece honestly made you feel. Honesty with tact is the best policy. Give a person the type of feedback that you would like to receive.
2. Be constructive. Say what works about a piece, and what doesn’t work and why. Offer advice or suggestions on how to fix a rough section. Keep in mind, positive comments are just as helpful as negative (have at least one positive comment about a piece and be specific. “Wow, that’s great,” is not helpful).
3. Be objective. If a piece of work isn’t a genre you’d normally read, take this opportunity to open your mind. Ask yourself if the piece holds together well. Do the sequence of events follow a logical pattern, or is it confusing? Look at the writing itself. Is it well written?
Saturday, August 1, 2009
What this Blog is About
So, what's a book doctor anyway?
A book doctor is an editor.
This is a place where we book doctors meet our patients—that is, your manuscripts. If you have questions about the craft, need to bounce a sentence or a few paragraphs off on us, feel free to do so. We're here to help authors become better writers.
A doctor is someone a patient should trust. It can be daunting handing your babies over for us to dissect and evaluate. But our goal is to present your words with a makeover that shines.
Between checkups, we'll discuss home remedies: Topics such as how to hook your readers, showing vs. telling, passive voice, how to properly use attributions, characterization, plot, etc. And, Sandi's favorite subject: alternative medicine (how to break the rules).
So, send us your questions, your sentences, and your paragraphs (no more than 500 words). We'll use our expertise to make it a worthwhile checkup. We might also ask you to chime in with your thoughts!
Please send submissions to thebookdoctor.bd@gmail.com.
A book doctor is an editor.
This is a place where we book doctors meet our patients—that is, your manuscripts. If you have questions about the craft, need to bounce a sentence or a few paragraphs off on us, feel free to do so. We're here to help authors become better writers.
A doctor is someone a patient should trust. It can be daunting handing your babies over for us to dissect and evaluate. But our goal is to present your words with a makeover that shines.
Between checkups, we'll discuss home remedies: Topics such as how to hook your readers, showing vs. telling, passive voice, how to properly use attributions, characterization, plot, etc. And, Sandi's favorite subject: alternative medicine (how to break the rules).
So, send us your questions, your sentences, and your paragraphs (no more than 500 words). We'll use our expertise to make it a worthwhile checkup. We might also ask you to chime in with your thoughts!
Please send submissions to thebookdoctor.bd@gmail.com.
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