Plan to Grow Your Writing Next Year

I hope your Christmas season has been merry and bright, and filled with God’s peace, goodness, and Light.

This time of year, we all analyze our lives and our careers – looking to the past and planning the future. As writers, we seek to improve our craft through a variety of ways. Online writing courses are an inexpensive option to consider, and provide more benefits than you might imagine.

I coordinate WIES Workshops. Each month, we offer one to three writing courses geared toward writers of various skill levels. The classes are usually small – five to ten students each – so students gets plenty of one-on-one instruction and detailed feedback specific for them. The format is easy – all lessons and coursework completed by e-mail on your own schedule. The instructor grades or critiques homework assignments, answers any questions you may have, and provides feedback as needed.

Students of our previous courses are raving. They’ve let us know that the feedback and encouragement from instructors has allowed them to take their writing to the next level, and some of the students take several courses as they grow in confidence and ability.

We’re excited about the lineup for the new year. The schedule changes regularly, so check back often to view updates. You can also sign up for our quarterly newsletter to receive updates and savings.


I've listed the current schedule below. You can click each link to learn more about the course and/or about the instructor, or to register for any of the courses.

JANUARY
Writing Devotionals – Jeanette Hanscome
Writing Romantic Suspense – Ramona Richards

FEBRUARY
From Flat to Full: Characterization in Fiction – Linda Leigh Hargrove

MARCH
Writing for Children – Karen Whiting

APRIL
Dynamics of Dialogue – Eva Marie Everson

MAY
Writing Women's Fiction – Deborah Raney

June
Writing the Historical Romance – Kathleen Fuller

JULY
Introduction to Writing Christian Novels – Virginia Smith

How Long Will (or Should) My Manuscript Be?

Recently someone asked me “how do I know how long my manuscript will be?” I answered that person privately but thought it might be a good subject to explore here.

The person inquiring is a seat-of-the-pants writer (or, as my friend Megan DiMaria prefers to call herself, an intuitive writer), not a plotter. Whichever way you write, the same principles apply.

The basic answer is: what kind of book do you want to write? The length the market requires varies generally, according to the genre, and specifically, to the publisher you are targeting.

For instance, I write mostly historical romance and (to date) all for Barbour. The length can vary anywhere from 18,000 words to 100,000+.
Christmas novella: 18,000-20,000 words
Heartsong historical romance: 45,000-50,000 words
Trade book: 100,000 words
But if I want to write to Love Inspired Historical, I’ll need 75,000 words.

Do you know the publisher you hope to submit to? If you’re like me, the answer may be “anyone who is interested.” But the length of your manuscript will determine who it’s suited for. Do you write “long” (100,000 or more words)? Or do you write short (70,000 or less)? I tend to write on the “short” side, so aiming for trade books is a growth process for me. Adapting the story idea to the length you need is a topic for another blog, but my point is: what’s your natural style? Start with a publisher who prints books in your comfortable length.

Over time, I have discovered that I naturally write chapters of 2,500-3,000 words. So if I’ve working on a book for Heartsong, I’ll need 17-20 chapters. If my original story idea only seems to have enough material for 14 chapters, I have a couple of choices: one is to add more depth to the story, another plot thread or two, to add chapters. Or to explore the threads I have in more depth, and make those 14 chapters longer. (3,500 words). That doesn’t mean all my chapters are exactly the same length, or that yours need to be that length. But it helps me pace my writing. I plan the number and length of my chapters before I start writing.

If you are a “pantser”, you’re not working from a strict outline; but you probably have a good idea where your story is going to end. Where do you feel you’re at in your story? Has your character barely started to resolve her issues? Has she made significant progress? Almost there? Gauge how far along your story is in the story arc (one third? One half? Ninety percent?) and project the length of the finished story from there.

So the short answer is:
Know yourself.
Know your publisher.
And pace your story accordingly.

Edit for Chapter Two

Daughter of the King,

Thank you for submitting Chapter Two. I hope you and others find the edit below helpful.

Strengths: You have a great voice, and Harry's got spunk. I like that kid. He brings in just the right amount of conflict, and that's what every story needs: conflict. Harry is also likable. You can see him trying, but you can also understand why he falls short. It's something all kids will connect with emotionally, and that's awesome. Harry's also got some heroic aspects about him because he fights back. That's also something kids will like because more often than not, kids are too afraid to fight back. Great job!

Weaknesses: You've got excellent conflict and Harry's personality is great, but right now, there's too much telling and not enough showing. We need more action, dialogue and setting. Think five senses: touch, taste, smell, see, and hear. I'll give a few examples of how to "show" within the text below.

Side note: When there's repetition, it's highlighted in yellow. More comments are within the text.

CHAPTER TWO

So, f On the first day of second grade,comma everything started out great, and then we went outside for recess. (My school is not close to any large cities. It’s clean and quiet, which is great, but kinda boring sometimes. I'd cut this. It stops the pace. You've got a powerful line with "and then we went outside for recess" and this last passage dilutes it. Also, why does the character think this? It feels like it's coming from an adult's perspective. Also, if you wish to convey this setting, you can "show" it to us below. I'll offer some examples.)

“I’m free,” I yelled. Great line! Shows how cooped up the character felt. It also reveals the character's personality without "telling" the reader what he/she is like. You've done well to "show" us that the character is happy-go-lucky and likes being outdoors. I ran around the playground, pretending I was driving a train around and around. Some repetition in children's fiction is good, but I wouldn't use it here. It lacks purpose and rhythm.

“Choo Chooooo.”. I (was going convert this to one strong verb. Something like "scurried" or "sprinted." I wouldn't use "ran" because it was used in the paragraph above.) around the playground equipment, under the slide, between the swings, and scuffing through the tan bark.

(I loved trains; I had a big collection at home, with engines, and cars and a caboose. It felt so good just to run and move and laugh without someone telling me to be still or be quiet. All of this is telling. Show us that he/she loves trains. Have Harry imagine that he's on one of his toy trains. Also, to show that he doesn't like being told to be still or quiet, bring that out in dialogue and action above. Have him sitting in his little chair, eyes glued to the door or the clock, counting down the minutes before he gets to go outside. Then, when the bell goes off or the teacher dismisses them, he charges out the door, shouting, "I'm free!" Show these things through action and dialogue.)

(“If you don’t behave, comma you’ll get three checks and I’m emailing your mother,” the teacher would tell me every day. Show this rather than summarizing it here. This would be perfect to place at the beginning like I suggested.)

But outside there were so many things to do and look at. I could run, move, and talk loud. I was free. Again, show this. You did a great job at showing part of this with his running around. Now have him climb the monkey bars and look out over the school fence, or something like that. Then he can show us more of what the school and surrounding neighborhood looks like. This could replace the second line in the opening paragraph that I suggested you cut. Instead, the description can come out here, and it's a fun way for readers to see the surroundings because the story continues to move forward.)

“Humph”(. Place all periods inside the quotation marks.) What was that? Oh, it was Jordan’s foot. I had accidentally tripped over it. I guess I wasn’t looking where I was going. Keep things in chronological order. This will help you to "show" the story instead of "telling" it. Let me give an example:

I ran to the monkey bars, ready to swing myself up. Something caught my foot and I tripped. I skidded on my belly and sand flew into my mouth.

Then he can see who tripped him and hit the guy. But notice how this pulls in more of the setting: we have monkey bars, sand, etc. Above this, we don't know where we're at. Where outside are we? Or did we come back inside? The telling lines that refer to the teacher tend to disorientate the readers. Also, if things are in chronological order, we already know he tripped without the writer having to "tell" or "explain" it to the reader.

….. I don't know why these ellipsis or dots are here. Be sure to cut them. They're not necessary.

When I looked into those little beady eyes of Jordan’s(,Replace comma with a period.) I saw that he didn’t accidentally stick his foot out, he did it on purpose. My grandpa said if someone hits (you;comma, instead of semi-colon) hit ‘em back.

“I saw you Jordan, take that,” I said as I got up and then pushed him to the ground. Again, keep in chronological order. Like this: "I saw you, Jordan!" I jumped up and shoved him down. "Take that."

Before he could get up comma Ms Spencer was there. Again, telling. What's Jordan doing to get up. Show that, then show Ms. Spencer rushing over to them.

(“Harry,” Okay, here's the first revelation of the character's sex. We now know he's a boy and his name is Harry. I'm assuming it was revealed sooner in Chapter One. If not, be sure it is.) she said, “when we go inside, give yourself a check.” (She seemed mad. Have her "do" something to show Harry that she's mad. This is telling.)

“Yes comma Ms Spencer,period”

New paragraph: hHanging my head, I saw it had begun already. Again, here's how to show this: Hanging my head, I kicked the dirt. Here we go again.

Notice how the action and interior monologue brings it alive. This is how to "show" and not "tell." You've got the right idea, and I really like Harry. He's got spunk and it works against him. Poor kid just needs to learn a few things. Not sure Gramps had good advice, either! LOL You've got some good conflict with this, so keep at it.

“But he started it,” I said under my breath. I didn’t expect to be heard.

… I'm assuming these are to indicate the passing of time. If so, then they work fine here.

Here are some phrases to avoid. You'll find them throughout the text, but I'll point them out in the two paragraphs below. I'll highlight them in green:

The next check that day was during circle time. Sue Palmer, who was sitting next to me on the floor kicked me when she crossed her legs, we were doing, ‘criss cross, apple sauce’. She didn’t mean to, so I didn’t say anything.

Then Jordan, who was sitting on the other side of me, put his big, old, shoes on my new, clean pants.

Okay, here we need to make the story more active. Let's bring it into the here and now. As we read it, because of the passive phrases (was during, etc), it gives the reader the feeling that this happened in a previous time (more about that later). Make it happen in the hear and now. Also, bring in some dialogue.

Here's how:

Ms. Spencer clapped her hands. "It's circle time."

Harry dropped his pencil on his desk and rushed to the carpet.

"Walk," Ms. Spencer said. "Don't forget criss-cross-applesauce."

Harry sat down.

As Sue plopped down next to him, she kicked Harry's knee when she crossed her legs.

Sue smiled at Harry, so he knew she didn't mean to kick him. He grinned back.

Something nudged Harry's leg from the other side. He looked down to see Jordan's big shoes pushing against his clean pants. Mom would be furious. Jordan glared at him and stuck out his tongue.

See the difference?

I told him, “Move your big, old, dirty, shoes Jordan,” I shouted.

He just laughed and turned his head, but kept his shoes on me.

So w What was I suppose to do? I pushed his big, old, dirty, shoes off my pants.
Well, Ms Spencer saw me and gave me a check, which made two.

What’s a guy to do?

(So the year went from a possibility of something good, to the same as every year for me in school. Wordiness. Try to trim it down a bit.)

… Cut ellipsis.

But I learned that I had to (figger figure I realize you're trying to convey an accent with the misspelling, but it's not wise to misspell words, especially in children's fiction.) this out myself. It took me a while. From Kindergarten to second grade, it meant a whole lot of emails sent home. Cute.

When is this taking place? I mean, how old is the narrator of the story? Obviously, he's older now. I'm assuming this is revealed in Chapter One. Again, great voice, and it sounds like the narrator is Harry when he's older. But keep in mind, this doesn't change the fact that there needs to be more showing. Bring the story into the here and now. The best way to start a story with this type of narration is to introduce the narrator in the opening paragraphs of Chapter One, then with a transitional paragraph or phrase, take us into the "here and now" of the story. See published first person stories for examples.

I hope this helps. If you have any questions, feel free to post them below.

Stretch those writing muscles!

I normally would have put the critique/edit up by now, but a number of you are afraid to comment on the submission below because this is children's fiction.

Other than sentence length and word count, the same rules apply: showing versus telling, POV, attributions, dialogue, etc. Janet and Victoria touched on some important points regarding showing versus telling. What else can improve this manuscript?

Let's stretch those writing muscles. Show us what you know about the craft and expand on the points already made, or add your own. Maybe even show us more examples. This will help strengthen your abilities and make your own work stronger--no matter what genre you write.

Show us what you've got!

Up for Critique: Chapter Two

I'd like to thank Daughter of the King for her submission and for providing others with an opportunity to learn more about the craft.

To those offering a critique, some of you might find it helpful to review the writing tips below and the overview of The Beach. Please be sure to include positive comments as well as constructive.

Remember, taking the time to give feedback is an opportunity to sharpen your own skills.

Thank you!

***

Children's chapter book - this is the first of what I am ambitiously calling a series. I'm new at this and praying hard to get it right. Any suggestions, please be honest. Thanks.

CHAPTER TWO

So, first day of second grade everything started out great, and then we went outside for recess. My school is not close to any large cities. It’s clean and quiet, which is great, but kinda boring sometimes.

“I’m free,” I yelled. I ran around the playground, pretending I was driving a train around and around.

“Choo Chooooo”. I was going around the playground equipment, under the slide, between the swings, and scuffing through the tan bark.

I loved trains; I had a big collection at home, with engines, and cars and a caboose. It felt so good just to run and move and laugh without someone telling me to be still or be quiet.

“If you don’t behave you’ll get three checks and I’m emailing your mother,” the teacher would tell me every day.

But outside there were so many things to do and look at. I could run, move, and talk loud. I was free.

“Humph”. What was that? Oh, it was Jordan’s foot. I had accidentally tripped over it. I guess I wasn’t looking where I was going.
…..
When I looked into those little beady eyes of Jordan’s, I saw that he didn’t accidentally stick his foot out, he did it on purpose. My grandpa said if someone hits you; hit ‘em back.

“I saw you Jordan, take that,” I said as I got up and then pushed him to the ground.

Before he could get up Ms Spencer was there.

“Harry,” she said, “when we go inside, give yourself a check.” She seemed mad.

“Yes Ms Spencer,” hanging my head, I saw it had begun already.

“But he started it,” I said under my breath. I didn’t expect to be heard.
…
The next check that day was during circle time. Sue Palmer, who was sitting next to me on the floor kicked me when she crossed her legs, we were doing, ‘criss cross, apple sauce’. She didn’t mean to, so I didn’t say anything.

Then Jordan, who was sitting on the other side of me, put his big, old, shoes on my new, clean pants.

I told him, “Move your big, old, dirty, shoes, Jordan,”

He just laughed and turned his head, but kept his shoes on me.

So what was I suppose to do? I pushed his big, old, dirty, shoes off my pants.

Well, Ms Spencer saw me and gave me a check, which made two.

What’s a guy to do?

So the year went from a possibility of something good, to the same as every year for me in school.
…
But I learned that I had to figger this out myself. It took me awhile. From Kindergarten to second grade, it meant a whole lot of emails sent home.

Choose Your Words Carefully

When I first started writing, I had no idea how difficult the journey was going to be. Thankfully, God sent me a few talented and gifted writers who willingly and graciously shared their expertise, and helped me to learn and to grow. In my articles here on The Book Doctor, I’ll tackle many of the topics I’ve dealt with in my own writing, and many that I see on a daily basis from my editing clients.

Today, we’ll focus on three topics related to words.

Overused Words

One weakness in most first drafts is the use of pet words and phrases. Recognizing this weakness gives us the opportunity to make more of our writing, and create a stronger story for the reader.

I’ve compiled a list of words that I provide to my clients, and I’ll share it with The Book Doctor’s readers, too. Just visit this page, and click on the link for the free “Overused Words List” download in pdf format.

Learning to spot those weak words gives us an opportunity to show, instead of tell; an opportunity to be active with our story, rather than passive. Author Jeanne Marie Leach provides some excellent examples in her book Writing Basics for Beginners.

First, she offers a simple sentence, and shows how to reword it to eliminate the overused (and passive) word “was”:

She was tired.
Her body ached as she climbed the stairs to the house.

She offers another example:

Jane was angry at her brother for telling her parents she was the one who’d caused the stain on the carpet.

Then she shows us how to eliminate the “was” and pull the reader right into the middle of the story, with words that show, rather than tell:

Jane frowned and stomped her foot. “You little brat! You had no right to tell Mom and Dad I spilled my juice on the rug. I’m going to ring your stupid little neck when I catch you.”

The difference is amazing, isn’t it? It's much more powerful, and we feel like we're right there in the middle of the scene.

Repetitious Phrases

After you’ve scanned your manuscript for the list words, be sure to check for repetition of favorite phrases concerning your characters. Does your heroine regularly tuck her hair behind her ear, chew her bottom lip, or tap her fingernails impatiently? Does your hero crack his knuckles, toss his head back, or wink? The reader will catch these phrases faster right away, so you’ll want to add variety. If you need help coming up with different traits, just pay a visit to the coffee shop or bookstore for observation. (Any excuse, right?) Watch how people interact, then watch their movements when they’re sitting alone. You’ll be surprised at how much fresh material you can gather in just one trip!

Word Usage

Many writers like to share their knowledge of big words, but sometimes simpler is better, especially when we discover that we’re explaining ourselves every other paragraph. I’m not saying “dumb-down” our writing – I’m saying we need to be wise with our word choices to best convey our meaning, keeping the reader in mind as we write.

Eliminating overused, passive words and phrases, avoiding repetition, and choosing the right words can make our stories stronger, and can make us better writers overall, but we must work at it. Anyone who thinks a writer is “lazy” must not be a writer himself. Don’t you agree?


P.S. Don’t forget to hop over to Write Integrity to get your free Overused Words List!

From Contract to Publication: The Editing Process

Since I have achieved the lofty status of being multi-published (tell that to my bank), Sandi suggested I begin by sharing the editing process with you.

Author’s caveat: All my books have been published by Barbour Publishing. There will be some minor differences among publishing houses, but all manuscripts go through a similar process—the author just gets more or less input.

With my first book, Romanian Rhapsody, I thought the editor would tell about any needed changes before I received a contract. When that didn’t happen, I assumed that meant my “baby” was perfect.

So I was caught by surprise when a few months later, I received requested revisions from a copy editor that she needed to have returned within in a few days. I had spent a year writing the book and now I had less than a week to change it. Gasp! Not to mention a request that I delete 3,000 words! (Or was it 300?)

Now as a seasoned veteran, I expect changes and set aside time in my schedule when the publication date approaches.

Steps in the editing process: (These steps aren’t set in stone, but are fluid, and may be called by different names.)

1. The editor receives the author’s manuscript, reviews it, makes comments, and passes it on to a content editor.

2. The content editor adds her comments to the editor’s comments on the overall book: plot development, character development, pacing, dialogue, POV, etc. She returns it to the author for changes. Steps 1-2 are repeated until the author gets it “right.”

3. A line (or copy) editor checks the manuscript for formatting, grammar issues and word usage and returns it to the author for changes. This is the author’s last chance to make major revisions.

4. Once the manuscript has been typeset, the galleys (either hard copy or electronic) are returned to the author for proofreading. Only actual mistakes in the text are corrected in this step.

The author’s response during the editing process can make or break her continued success with the publisher:
Is she flexible enough to accept editorial direction in the manuscript?
Is she able to make the requested changes?
Does she work within the requested turnaround time?
Does she present clean copy, with minimal need for line edits?
Does she request major changes once the galleys have been typeset?

Every manuscript needs the help of a good editor; and I’ve been fortunate to work with some great ones at Barbour.

Call for Submissions

Do you need an extra eye to take a look at a section of your work? Did someone tell you your scene was "off," but you don't know how to fix it? Do you have questions about writing in general?

If so, pop us an email and we'll be happy to diagnose the problem.

Please welcome Tracy Ruckman and Darlene Franklin

Allow me to introduce two new contributing editors recently added to the Book Doctor Blog.

Tracy Ruckman is a full-time freelance writer, editor, and photographer. She offers full editing services through her company Write Integrity Editorial Services, and earlier this summer began coordinating WIES Workshops – online writing courses for anyone interested in writing for the Christian market. She also owns the popular Pix-N-Pens blog where a team of writers, editors, and photographers offers book reviews; freelance writing, editing, and marketing advice; photography tips and assignments; writing prompts; and even frequent contests!

Her story, “Miracle of the Nativity,” is included in the book Christmas Miracles by Cecil Murphey and Marley Gibson. The book, released last month by St. Martin’s Press, is headed for bestseller lists and will also be published in Swedish.

Tracy is happily married to her very own Prince Charming and they live in the boonies of Alabama, with their spoiled dog and a host of wild critters. She’s the proud mom of two grown sons who live in metro Atlanta.

***

Award-winning author and speaker Darlene Franklin has recently returned to cowboy (and cowgirl) country—Oklahoma. The move was prompted by her desire to be close to family—mother Anita, son Jaran, daughter-in-law Shelley and three beautiful granddaughters. Her daughter Jolene has preceded her into glory.

Darlene loves music, needlework, reading and reality TV. Talia, a Lynx point Siamese cat, proudly claims Darlene as her person.

Darlene has published four books and two novellas previously, all with Barbour Publishing: Romanian Rhapsody, Beacon of Love, and two mysteries, Gunfight at Grace Gulch and A String of Murders. Dressed in Scarlet, which appeared in the Christmas anthology Snowbound Colorado Christmas, has finalled in the 2009 Book of the Year contest sponsored by American Christian Fiction Writers. Lucy Ames, Sharpshooter (in Wild West Christmas) is available in bookstores now. Look for Darlene’s next historical romance, Prodigal Patriot (book 1 of Green Mountain Brides) next summer.

Visit Darlene’s blog at Darlene Franklin. Darlene offers editorial services under Franklin's Pen Editorial Services. Contact her at belovedfranklin@msn.com for further information.

If any of you would like more information on these two talented ladies, scroll down the sidebar on the left and click on their pictures. This will take you to their websites or blogs.

Thank you Tracy and Darlene for joining us.

Overview of "The Beach"

Anita (and others), I apologize for the delayed response to the latest submission. I simply got swamped, and because of that, I'll be involving more editors to keep the blog moving. Thank you (especially Anita) for your patience.

Since we're talking about children's fiction, and the author is clearly British, please keep in mind, the rules for British children's books may vary from American rules. The American books regarding children's fiction are located on the left sidebar; however, Anita, since you're in the UK, you might more easily get your hands on a British title: Writing for Children and Getting Published by Allan Frewin Jones and Lesley Pollinger. In my opinion this doesn't cover as much ground as Tracy E. Dils' book You Can Write Children's Books, which is American. Another helpful book is Alijandra Mogilner's Children's Writer's Word Book which is a handy thesaurus and lists the appropriate age group for each word. Yes, another American book.

Folks, the general population believes that writing for children is much easier than writing for adults. I beg to differ. There are many aspects in children's fiction that do not apply to adult fiction. In adult fiction, we don't have to worry about whether or not a word might be too difficult to understand for the reader, and sentences may be as long as we wish. With children's fiction, there are strict guidelines regarding sentence length and vocabulary. As far as picture books are concerned, that's a whole different story. No "pun" intended. With picture books, the illustrations tell as much of the story as the text. Finding the right balance isn't easy.

Now to begin: Because of the length, I assumed this was a picture book text. However, based on what Anita shared in the comments (this being for the 6-10 year age group), that would mean, this is actually a chapter book. (Well done, Victoria!)

What is a chapter book?

A chapter book bridges the gap between picture books and novels.

They have fewer illustrations than picture books and some may not have any illustrations at all. So Anita, your wonderful descriptions may stay.

Chapter books may vary in length, anywhere from 1500 to 15,000 words.

They have one main character who has a problem and that character needs to find a solution to his or her problem, overcoming obstacles on the way. (Not much unlike a novel.)

Chapter books also have shorter sentences than what you'd find in a middle reader or novel. Sentence length should be no longer than 10-15 words. If you go over this, it's not the end of the world; however, I would definitely make an effort to shorten the sentences in the piece below. Most of them are too long.

Difficult (and foreign) words should be defined in the text. Anita, I didn’t find any words that I felt were unsuitable for a chapter book. Still, I'll provide an example of how a word can be defined in the text by using its context (the following is taken from my novel; take note that the same rule can be applied in adult fiction): Titus ordered David to stand in the center of the room next to the impluvium. David ran his hand along the smooth edge of the large marble fountain that collected rainwater from an opening in the roof. Here we learn that an "impluvium" is a "fountain" without "telling" the reader or having to set up a "dictionary" in our book (one of my pet-peeves in fiction). A reader should not have to stop mid-story to look up an unfamiliar or foreign word. The story continues to unfold without stopping the action.

It was mentioned that this is one story in a series. Series books tend to be for "middle readers" which is just a step above chapter books. However, since this is one story, you can probably combine all of them, creating one book. Remember, they can be as long as 15,000 words, so "The Beach" would be one chapter. Keep in mind, each publisher will have their own specific guidelines for length.

Anita, your writing is excellent. The only thing to avoid are the "telling" words, such as "warned." A person can't "warn" a statement. I'm sure you're tired of hearing me say this, but I have to so others can learn. See explanation of "attributions" below. And we all know, rules are meant to be broken.

I didn't edit the manuscript for a number of reasons:

The writing is excellent, and I dare not touch it to shorten the sentences for fear I'll intrude on Anita's voice. She has to do that herself. Most of the sentences need to be shortened, and by my attempting to do that, the rhythm will change, not to mention the vocabulary that Anita would likely choose. This particular rhythm and vocabular is uniquely Anita's and can't be immitated. It defines her voice.

There's also too much introspection for a chapter book. Kids need stories with "movement." In other words, we need a lot of action and dialogue.

The ending should be the beginning; therefore, I suggest a complete rewrite, starting the story at the end when Rhy's discovers the first of the Sandelves. The ending of the story is excellent. It was my favourite part. Problem is, it's your "hook" and should be in the opening paragraphs.

The story needs a "plot" as Janet suggested. Each chapter should have a beginning, middle and an end. Establish Rhys' goal and create the conflict. You've done well to do that by having Mum interrupt his discovery. Another reason that part needs to open the story.

Anita, I love the idea of Sandelves! I realize, suggesting that you revamp this entire submission is a bit daunting, but I believe you're onto something unique and fun for children.

Whatever you do, don't give up on these stories!

Update

Normally, I would have posted the edited version of the lastest submission. I apologize for the delay. I'm wrapping up a client right now, so I'm afraid that has to take priority.

Picture Book text up for critique

Everyone, thank you for all your feedback on the other posts. Now, I hope you'll all dive in on this post. I had set a rule that I wouldn't put up anything longer than give or take 500 words. Well, we're stretching it on this one. The following post is the entire story of a picture book (without the pictures), written by one of my talented critique partners Anita Davison. Anita is from Surrey, England, which you'll notice reflects in her writing.

She's anxious to hear your thoughts, so have at it.

The Beach

Rhys bounded down the front steps of the cottage two at a time.

“Don’t go far,” his mother warned. “And stay away from the harbour.”

“Yes Mum,” Rhys called over his shoulder. As he had been told, he paused to look both ways before crossing the road. Once on the other side, he climbed the low sea wall and jumped down onto the sand.

The journey to the coast had been long and hot, so when his Dad’s car pulled up in front of the house, Rhys couldn’t wait to get into the fresh air.

With his hands thrust deep into the pockets of his shorts, his feet scuffed the warm sand. He stopped every few steps to lift each foot in turn to see the grains trickle out, gold and sparkly over his socks.

Fluffy white clouds scudded by in a bright blue sky, while fat seagulls dipped and swooped at bits of discarded picnic on the beach.

The stubby bows of brightly painted fishing boats tied to the quay bobbed and pulled against the ropes. Rhys loved boats. But he had promised he wouldn’t go near the harbour. The water was deep there.

Wet from the outgoing tide, the sand sucked at his feet, his footsteps filling instantly with water at each step. He wanted to tell someone about it, but there was no one there.

Maybe Dad would come with him next time.

Dad. He’d behaved strangely since he came out of the hospital. He spent all his time these days sitting in his armchair, staring out at the garden or nothing at all. He had injured his leg so badly when he crashed the car, Mum said, the doctors had put a metal pin inside. Rhys imagined that must hurt a lot. No wonder Dad was unhappy.

To give his father’s leg time to heal, they were to spend the whole summer in the narrow house with blue shutters that overlooked the bay.

At first, Rhys had been upset at the thought of going away for so long. Would his friends at home forget him? His gaze flicked over the line of houses strung along the base of the cliff, wondering if any children his age lived there.

An orange sun dipped into the sea, and a line of frothy white waves curled and fell in the distance. A boat with white sails skimmed across the bay.

Around him, grown ups sat on beach towels, sleeping. Children played in the sand with buckets and spades, or ran in and out of the surf while a little black dog barked at them.

Piles of stones seemed to be jumbled together at the base of the cliff, some twice as high as Rhys himself. Staggered, like steps, their edges had been rubbed smooth by the waves.

Rhys liked climbing, so he pulled himself up to the top of a section to where a large flat rock rested on the top.

It wasn’t high enough to worry Mum, but he had a good view of the tops of people’s heads as they passed below. The middle was filled with water so clear, Rhys could see right the way down to the sand on the bottom. It was a rock pool.

Bigger than a bath, but not quite as big as a paddling pool, the water sparkled in the late afternoon sun. The layer of sand at the bottom seemed magnified, almost fluffy; its surface scattered with shells and tiny black pebbles.

Taking off his shoes, Rhys lay on his tummy and wriggled to the edge. The sun was warm on his back as he stared into the water, his nose a few inches above the surface and his hands shielding his eyes. “I like it here,” he murmured aloud.

Seagulls screeched over head, and off in the distance, the waves whooshed and sighed on the beach. The smell of seaweed drying in the sun smelled sharp on the breeze.

Rhys grew sleepy lying there and closed his eyes for a second. He didn’t mean to fall asleep, but when a seagull screeched close by, he woke with a start.

The car park was almost empty, and the beach was almost deserted but for a man walking his dog by the shoreline. Two children ran towards the car park, trailing sand-caked spades behind them. Then Rhys heard a familiar voice and turned to look at the house with the blue shutters.

His mother stood at the door, waving. “Your tea’s ready, Rhys.”

Rhys grinned. “Oh, good. I’m starving.” He searched around for his shoes and spotted them half concealed between two rocks. As he leaned forward to retrieve them, he sensed something move in the water below.

He froze. A face stared up at him from the bottom of the pool. A face with flowing blue hair and round green eyes.

“Rhys, I can’t wait here all day, come on now!” his mother called again.

Rhys looked up, nodded and waved. “I’m coming, Mum!”

He grabbed his shoes, then turned back to the pool. It was empty.

Critiques

Thanks to everyone who participated in the discussion with Dave King. I hope you all found his answers helpful.

During this discussion, Debra brought up an interesting point about receiving criticism of our work.

It can be overwhelming to receive so many conflicting opinions. When that happens to me, I'll simply read through the advice and set it aside for a while. Then I'll come back to it after a few days. Keep in mind, any feedback on your work is simply "advice." That means, take it or leave it. If I get three people that mention the same "problem," then I consider changing it. But if it's just one person and no one else, I ignore it--unless it's something that really speaks to me. In the end, go with your gut. I've seen several writers lose their voice (and their passion for writing) when they've tried to please everyone. You're not going to please everyone. That's just the way it is with "art." :-) Even bestselling authors receive criticism, and sometimes hate mail.

How do the rest of you deal with criticism/feedback on your work?

An answer to Debra's first question

I am writing in my hero's POV. He is watching and interacting with a secondary character that he knows pretty well. I write "The woman bristled with unspoken opinion." To me, I believe a POV character can tell when someone is itching to speak. But I've been told this is a POV hop. ~Debra

As we walk around in life, we read emotions from other people all the time, either by their actions or facial expressions. The question is has the hero interpreted that emotion correctly? Perhaps the hero assumes the other character was "bristling with unspoken opinion" and then later discovers that the character had remembered something important that had nothing to do with the situation at hand. POV can lead one character to interpret another character's emotion, or misinterpret that emotion. In the case you describe above, the main character can see that the other character is "itching to speak." This is not a POV jump. All of this is simply the art of storytelling, and "The woman bristled with unspoken opinion" is a creative way to "show" that emotion.

Yes, there are rules to writing fiction (that's why we're here), but we become like Microsoft Word's grammar checker when we strike out every line that "could be" a POV jump, or a line that has one "ly" adverb, or one too many exclamation points, etc.

I was once told that I had an overuse of exclamation points in my text. Normally, I'd agree with this, assuming they were misused. But someone was about to die and three characters needed to shout. It wasn't "wrong," but the contest judge marked it as wrong and docked my manuscript several points. Of course, I griped to Dave about it.


Here's what he said (and I don't believe he minds me quoting him here):


"I've run into the kind of editorial comment you've seen -- mechanical and reflexive. Basically, it's easier to strike out, say, every -ly adverb than to think about when they are appropriate. It's Microsoft's grammar checker trying to do fiction."

As self-editors, as critique partners, and as judges in contests, the question we need to ask ourselves is whether or not the use of that ly adverb, etc, is appropriate. Are people actually shouting? Then use an exclamation point. Are they just excited and not necessarily shouting, then don't use the exclamation point.

The problem with POV hopping is what I explained below. It's to avoid confusion. The statement: "The woman bristled with unspoken opinion" does not create confusion. It does not dislodge the reader, leaving them wondering where they're at in the story. We still know we're in the hero's head, so it's not a POV jump.

Any more questions? I'd be happy to answer them.

I hope this was helpful.

Answers from Dave King

First, thanks to Sandi for giving us a chance to get together.

To take the last question first, Jill, I'm afraid there are no rules. Omniscient narrator is not wrong, but . . .

If you're writing from the omniscient narrator, you lose the opportunity to use wonderfully subtle tools for creating characters like describing things in language that reflects your viewpoint character's state of mind. Avoiding omniscient narrator also allows your interior monologue to flow naturally, without all those awkward mechanics, like "he or she thought," italics, or shifts to the first person. It's not necessary to use first or third person -- Jane Austen created some brilliant characters in the omniscient narrator -- but it is easier.

I've sometimes seen the omniscient narrator used extremely effectively. Consider the first chapter of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. But J. K. Rowling then moved to the third person to let all her readers fall thoroughly in love with Harry.

Debra and Jeannie, I'm not entirely sure what "deep" POV is. I've always thought of the third person POV as being an intimacy/distance continuum, running from something close to omniscient narrator at the distance end to something close to first person at the intimacy end. One of the elements that locates your point on that continuum is the language you use -- including the names your viewpoint character uses for himself or herself and for others. At the intimate end, your character might refer to her father as "Dad." A little further toward the distance end, it might be "her father." Just try not to change distance too abruptly -- by using two or more different referents in the same scene, for instance.

My website, http://www.davekingedits.com/, has an article that goes into more depth on POV.

Hope this helps,

Dave

***
Debra, I will answer your other question in the next post. ~Sandi

Let’s talk about POV (point of view)

A weak POV pulls us out of the story and can confuse our readers, especially if we’re head hopping throughout the story—keeping track of the thoughts of all the characters.

What is POV? It's everything one character sees, feels, hears, tastes and smells. Everything we readers see, should be what that one character sees. Pretend we are a camera placed in a character’s eyes and we’ve set up wire connections to each and every nerve—we are that character. Let's say we’re driving in a car. We shouldn't be able to see what’s going on in someone’s home miles away. Or while we’re driving the car, we shouldn't be able to hear the thoughts of the person in the passenger seat. Your readers will become confused about setting (if we jump from the car to a home miles away), and if we jump into another character’s thoughts. If readers are confused, they have to reread to find out where they are. The last thing a writer wants is to make his readers have to back up and reread everything, and if they get confused, that's what will happen.

A good POV tightens our connection to the main character. We feel his excitement, his fear. We see what he sees. His experiences become ours. When something surprises him, we’re surprised with him because we didn’t see it coming.

So, what if you want to show the thoughts of more than one character? Most editors suggest at every change of time, setting and point of view there should be a double-space between paragraphs. This will keep readers from becoming confused.

Here's a note about POV from Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Dave King and Rennie Browne:

Some authors get into trouble with their point of view because they are trying to track the emotions of everyone involved in the scene. After all, the easiest way to show how someone feels is through interior monologue—get into his or her head and tell your readers what’s there. So when you have several characters in a scene, there’s an understandable temptation to simply write interior monologues for all of them.

And it’s a temptation we hope you’ll resist. For one thing, shifting the point of view back and forth is likely to do more damage to the flow of the scene than the various viewpoints are worth. (Your readers adjust to being in someone’s head—they assume that they are seeing the scene through that character’s eyes. So when you shift to another character, you throw them off their stride, even if just for a moment.) For another, using interior monologue to show your character’s reactions is just one step away from telling. It is far more effective to stick with a single point of view and show us how your other characters feel through their dialogue and actions.

I recommend you get Self-Editing for Fiction Writers. King and Browne talk about all the necessary tools for writing great fiction, and they devote an entire chapter to Point of View.

When he's available, Dave will join us on this topic by answering some of our questions. If you have any questions for him, please leave them below. I can't guarantee he'll have time to answer everything, but if we compile a list, he'll do what he can. Please keep the questions POV related.

Edit: Mourn Their Courage

Victoria,

Thank you for being willing to share you work with us so that we writers might glean more knowledge of the craft.

If anyone has questions about my suggestions below, please chime in. And don't be afraid to oppose one of my suggestions. I'm open to criticism. If there's a better way, please show us. That's why we're here.

Well Victoria, there weren't that many folks willing to jump in on this one. I think it's because the writing was quite good. You have a nice balance between interior monologue, beats of action, description of the setting, and dialogue that readers could easily follow everything. I think Janet made a good point about the names. And Diana did a great job at catching the POV jumps.

My comments are in blue below:

Chapter Two

Jie paced, towel in hand. His thoughts churned between concern for his country and the boy.
He dipped the rag in the last of the water and mopped the Orchard Boy’s forehead with it. Droplets rolled away and wet the blankets, (but Jie didn’t notice. POV jump) He paced again, then faced his wife.

“Mei, I can’t stay here. I must send a message home for reinforcements, then leave for the capital in the morning. (I will I'LL—it's okay to use contractions in historical fiction. Sometimes writers tend to avoid contractions, thinking it makes the writing sound "old." Keep in mind, in every language, people used colloquialisms, contractions, etc. You can read more about writing historicals at Dave King's website. On the left click on "Writing Advice." Then go to the article "Time Travel for Writers." Scroll down the article to "Everyday Language." In my experience, excessive formality is the greatest weakness for most writers of historical fiction. You don't have a lot of it in this section, but I thought it'd be a good learning tool to point out) leave the guards with you and Shan. You have enough cash to care for the boy until he’s well enough for all of you to join me.”

Mei rose and took the rag from him. She nodded (and tried to conceal her trembling lip. POV jump. I can imagine he knows she's trying to conceal it, but if her lip is trembling just say "her lip trembled," that way it won't feel like a POV jump.) “Will you ask the innkeeper for more hot water and perhaps some tea?”

He kissed her on the brow as she knelt beside the Orchard Boy.

Jie closed the door behind him and entered the room he’d rented for his family. Shan didn’t stir while Jie rummaged in his trunk until his fingers touched the worn fabric (OF--great fix, Janet) his scholar’s box with inkstone, brushes, and folded writing silk. As he left the room, he stopped a passing servant and made Mei’s request.

The din from the first floor was twice as loud as when they'd arrived. He looked over the railing. The inn’s main room was overcrowded. A few of his men laughed over cups of wine, but he (did not DIDN'T) see the guard he sought. (Fragile paper lanterns swayed in his wake as he stepped off the landing and breathed in the smells of heated wine and steamed vegetables. Nice way to pull us into the scene.)

Memories drifted across his thoughts. On the eve of war, what he desperately wanted was to talk and laugh with his oldest brother, Mihei. But Mihei was dead. Killed by raiders when Jie was no older than the Orchard Boy upstairs. Jie shook his head. He’d promised Mei he’d leave the past where it lay. It was not an easily-kept vow.

The dice gamers had gathered a small string of cash in the center of their table. He smiled and shook his head at one of his men’s invitation to join the game. Give us some sounds. You've done well by adding smells. We just need a little more.

(“Do you know where Ge Hei is?” Jie asked. Who is he talking to? One of the gamers? If not, let us know.)

“He drew watch duty later tonight and decided to bed down in the stable, my Lord,” (the guard said. Again, is this guard one of the gamers? Who/where is he? This is minor, but it'd be good for us to "see" the scene a little more. Right now, this person is invisible to your reader.)

Jie decided he needed another drink before he wrote his message and ventured outside to find Hei.

Farmers in hemp robes gathered at the bar. He pushed between two of them and caught the innkeeper’s eye. While he waited for his drink, Jie looked at the scroll’s message.

He'd known for months that war brewed beneath the surface of his quiet country. It was why he and his family had journeyed to visit his nephew, the Emperor.

If only the Emperor had not issued this order(! Unless he's yelling in his thoughts, I'd change this to a period. Writers tend to overuse exclamation points to show excitement, etc. In doing so, they end up being overused, and the readers feel like the characters are shouting at them. Only use exclamation points if someone is shouting. I've seen judges in writing contests mark these wrong, even though the character was shouting. Keep in mind, it's not "wrong" to use exclamation points. Just make sure you use them when a character is actually shouting.) Jie might have saved countless people if he had reached his nephew a month ago. But now, the Son of Heaven demanded that Jie attack his countrymen. To do otherwise was treason.

(If I could reach the rebels, I could talk to them! Avoid overuse of italics. We're already in Jei's head, so there's no need to put this in first person to show his thought. So far, everything we've been reading are his thoughts. So, I suggest changing this to third person, and taking away the italics: If he could reach the rebels, he could talk to them. Also, cut the exclamation point and replace it with a period.) He didn’t want to attack his brothers, but the Emperor did not need a mediator.

(Regardless of how they came to be traitors, they must be stopped. Again, no need to italicize.)

His stomach churned. (I’ll send Ge Hei for reinforcements. I will be a soldier in the Emperor’s legions until my men arrive. Here we've skipped to first person, while the entire text is in third. Either italicize the first person thoughts—something I don't suggest—or change these to third with no need to italicize. Keep in mind, we're already in Jei's head, so there's no need to emphasize his thoughts in italics. My suggestion: He'd send Ge Hei for reinforcements. Jei would be a soldier in the Emperor's legions until his men arrived.)

He smoothed his beard in a gesture Mei claimed heralded large decisions, then sighed and shook his head. He longed to do more.

Well, there you have it. Any questions or comments? Let me know.

Mourn Their Courage, up for critique

Thank you, Victoria, for being willing to share your work with The Book Doctor.

Folks, please keep in mind the rules of critiquing (see left side-panel).

Summary of first chapter:

This is a fantasy novel set around the struggle for succession to the throne of the Ron Empire, which is based on the Han Dynasty of China (circa 220 A.D.) Liu Jie, his wife and son have arrived at the Peach Orchard Inn, which is in the middle of the Ron Empire and they've discovered that the Emperor has summoned all loyal men to his aid against rebels outside of the capital city. Jie is far away from the province he governs and so he has very few men and nowhere near enough money to raise an army and feed them. While he frets over this, his son comes in and tells him there's a dead boy in the garden outside the inn. Jie finds that the boy is still alive and he rushes the child inside and sees to his care while consumed with guilt that he couldn't save his own children twelve years before. That was the first chapter.


Chapter Two

Jie paced, towel in hand. His thoughts churned between concern for his country and the boy.

He dipped the rag in the last of the water and mopped the Orchard Boy’s forehead with it. Droplets rolled away and wet the blankets, but Jie didn’t notice. He paced again, then faced his wife.

“Mei, I can’t stay here. I must send a message home for reinforcements, then leave for the capital in the morning. I will leave the guards with you and Shan. You have enough cash to care for the boy until he’s well enough for all of you to join me.”

Mei rose and took the rag from him. She nodded and tried to conceal her trembling lip. “Will you ask the innkeeper for more hot water and perhaps some tea?”

He kissed her on the brow as she knelt beside the Orchard Boy.

Jie closed the door behind him and entered the room he’d rented for his family. Shan didn’t stir while Jie rummaged in his trunk until his fingers touched the worn fabric his scholar’s box with inkstone, brushes, and folded writing silk. As he left the room, he stopped a passing servant and made Mei’s request.

The din from the first floor was twice as loud as when they'd arrived. He looked over the railing. The inn’s main room was overcrowded. A few of his men laughed over cups of wine, but he did not see the guard he sought. Fragile paper lanterns swayed in his wake as he stepped off the landing and breathed in the smells of heated wine and steamed vegetables.

Memories drifted across his thoughts. On the eve of war, what he desperately wanted was to talk and laugh with his oldest brother, Mihei. But Mihei was dead. Killed by raiders when Jie was no older than the Orchard Boy upstairs. Jie shook his head. He’d promised Mei he’d leave the past where it lay. It was not an easily-kept vow.

The dice gamers had gathered a small string of cash in the center of their table. He smiled and shook his head at one of his men’s invitation to join the game.

“Do you know where Ge Hei is?” Jie asked.

“He drew watch duty later tonight and decided to bed down in the stable, my Lord,” the guard said.

Jie decided he needed another drink before he wrote his message and ventured outside to find Hei.

Farmers in hemp robes gathered at the bar. He pushed between two of them and caught the innkeeper’s eye. While he waited for his drink, Jie looked at the scroll’s message.

He'd known for months that war brewed beneath the surface of his quiet country. It was why he and his family had journeyed to visit his nephew, the Emperor.

If only the Emperor had not issued this order! Jie might have saved countless people if he had reached his nephew a month ago. But now, the Son of Heaven demanded that Jie attack his countrymen. To do otherwise was treason.

If I could reach the rebels, I could talk to them! He didn’t want to attack his brothers, but the Emperor did not need a mediator.

Regardless of how they came to be traitors, they must be stopped.

His stomach churned. I’ll send Ge Hei for reinforcements. I will be a soldier in the Emperor’s legions until my men arrive.

He smoothed his beard in a gesture Mei claimed heralded large decisions, then sighed and shook his head. He longed to do more.

LAST CALL

For those that would like to comment on the submission below, please give Janet your thoughts--even if you disagree with mine! The more feedback, the better. I'll be putting up a new post on Monday.

Thanks!

Edit for FAMILY TREASURE

Janet, you're a talented writer. The writing itself didn't require many corrections. You used dialogue, attributions and beats of action nicely. You've done well to establish a goal and motivation for your characters early on. I also see that these two girls are going to create quite a few laughs together. They're a fun pair. Humor is important to MG (middle grade) readers.

Now, let's look at what needs work:

As for the opening, it needs a stronger hook. Also (I had the privilege of reading the synopsis), because Dudley's spirit helps guide the girls throughout the story, I'd implement that right away. In fact, that could be a part of your hook. Something unusual like that would certainly draw your readers in and encourage them to turn the page.

One major thing concerns me about this opening. I'm afraid the idea of finding secrets in the attic is a bit cliché. A lot of writers do that. So, consider trying something different. I'm thinking they could discover a secret room in her bedroom, or someplace else. She could find a loose panel in her closet, or something like that. Anything but the attic will work. I'm sorry to tell you this; it's just that the whole attic scenario is simply overused.

Leave mom out of the story as much as possible. Parents aren't "allowed to help" the young characters in MG fiction. Consider finding another way (something creative and unique) for them to learn the story about their ancestors. Maybe they can ask leading questions to Mom. They could get tidbits of answers from her, and other answers from Dad—if he's in the picture. The parents could be helping without realizing they're helping. Also, the more secrets the children try to keep from the parents, the more intriguing it will be to your readers.

I'd also like for you to tighten the point of view (POV) of the main character, who I assume is Jan. What I mean by that is, bring in more interior monologue. You've done well with the five senses, and you have a good balance between action and dialogue. If you give us more of her thoughts, that'd help. But don’t add the kind of thoughts that are in first person and italicized. I'm talking the type of thoughts that are in third person and don't require italics. See in The Master's Wall (final version), how that's handled. Nearly every thought David has is done in third person and is not italicized.

If you were to change the attic scene to somewhere else (let's use the closet for example), maybe you could have Dudley knock on the inside of the closet wall to get Jan's attention. Or, if that's too freaky . . . hmm, actually, I can't think of anything that doesn't come across too freaky (I was thinking of things like him scratching on the wall, etc). Freaky does sell. Hmm. Think on it. According to your synopsis, you've got caves and bats, and all kinds of freaky things happening, so Dudley knocking on a wall shouldn't hurt. Right? Anyone else have suggestions? Not just on what Dudley should do, but another exciting place to make this discovery other than the attic? We're open to them!

Below is a detailed edit. Take what works and ignore the rest. A special note to my followers: if you catch something that I missed, feel free to point it out. Since the track changes feature doesn't show up on here, I put my edits next to the text in red. Anything in green needs to be cut.


FAMILY TREASURE

Chapter One

“I can’t believe this,” Jan whispered, as she held the yellowed paper in her hand. The hot stale air of the attic brought sweat beads on her forehead and her bangs dripped with perspiration. Boy, it's awfully hot in there for sweat to literally be dripping off her bangs. Feels a bit overdone and like she could literally wring them out. Consider having her bangs cling to the moisture on her forehead. Also, there's so much description of her sweat, it takes the focus off the letter in her hand. If you're going to add detailed description like this, always make sure its focus is on something significant. In this case, the letter.

Here's where this needs to be reformatted a half an inch on both sides. And be sure to put single quotation marks inside the double quotation marks: “'I worry so about the chest Grandpa brought over from the home country. I fear if they spy the chest they may loot through it and destroy the contents. Have Dudley take it to safe keeping.'”

New paragraph: Jan finished reading the letter and then stared out into the musty attic. “I wonder if Mom knows about this. cut period, and replace with a question mark?” Also, we need a stronger hook. A stronger opening sentence. See The Master's Wall, for an example of how that's done. Keep in mind, this is a totally different genre.

She looked (over cut) at her cousin Sarah. “You picked the best time to come and visit. I just discovered a secret and you can help me solve it!” Jan wiped her forehead with her arm and eased the letter back into the envelope. “Sarah, did you hear me?” She cast an impatient glance toward the corner of the attic.

“What?” asked Sarah. “What did you say?”

“Come on. Didn’t you hear a word I said?” (Jan pulled Sarah How far away was Sarah from Jan? Jan got from point A to point B awfully fast) from the old trunk where she was going through the contents.

“Wait. Let me put these old clothes back.” Sarah barely had time to toss the items back into the trunk as Jan pulled at her arm.

“You won’t believe this. Oh, shoot! I forgot the jelly jars. Could you get them?”

“Where are. . . ouch! I found them.” This hunt for jelly jars is humorous. This is great for MG fiction. The following feels like a POV jump from Jan's head to Sarah's: Sarah rubbed her toe as she picked up the jars and carried them out of the attic. She limped down the old oak stairway to her aunt’s kitchen below. She looked at Jan and saw the yellowed envelop clasped in her hand.

“Mom! Mom!” Jan yelled as Sarah put down the box of jars. “Where could she be?” Come on, help me find her.” They searched each room of the old house, but her mother was nowhere to be found. They ran outside and looked for the family dog, King, in his favorite spot under the porch.

“King! Where are you boy?”

“Jan, get out from under the porch. There could be snakes curled up under there just waitin’ to strike out at you.”

“Oh, Sarah, you’re a scaredy cat. Besides, they won’t hide under the porch; they know King will chase ‘em out.” Jan dusted off her shorts and looked around the yard. “They’re both missing.” She pressed her lips together and looked at Sarah. “This is a case for the Country Cousins.”

“Country Cousins! Jan you read too many Nancy Drew books. Besides, I live in the city.”

“Not this summer you don’t. You’re my Country Cousin until Labor Day, and we have mysteries to solve.”

“This might be fun,” said Sarah as they walked back into the kitchen.

“Where is Mom? I have to show her this letter,period” said Jan. She Jan sat down to catch her breath.

“What letter? Let me see.” Sarah leaned across the table and reached for the envelope.

Jan clenched it against her chest. “Are we partners? Are you a member of The Country Cousins Detective Agency?”

“Yes, yes. I’ll be your partner. Now let me see the letter. Cute. Where’d you find it? I didn’t see any old letters in the attic.”

“While you rummaged through the clothes in the trunk, I found this box of old books.” Jan raised her eyebrows and cocked her head (in the air. Feels like floating body parts.) “Look what fell out of one. This letter is dated April 1863. It’s addressed to Add single quotation marks before and after the following quotes: My Dearest Anna and signed Your loving husband, Henry.”

Janet, you've captured the humor between the girls nicely. They'll make a fun pair of detectives. Well done!

For Critique: Family Treasure

I want to thank Janet for being willing to submit the first +500 words of her manuscript Family Treasure. This is a novel for third to sixth-grade readers. People in the industry call this "middle grade fiction."

It took a lot of courage for Janet to submit her manuscript, so please keep that in mind when offering your critiques. Be sure to open with something positive and close with something positive, sandwiching the negative. And Janet, this is a good time to develop the thick skin that all writers need. Even after publication, we'll still receive negative reviews. It's impossible to please everyone, so this is good preparation for that as well.

So, now we begin:

FAMILY TREASURE

Chapter One

“I can’t believe this,” Jan whispered, as she held the yellowed paper in her hand. The hot stale air of the attic brought sweat beads on her forehead and her bangs dripped with perspiration. “I worry so about the chest Grandpa brought over from the home country. I fear if they spy the chest they may loot through it and destroy the contents. Have Dudley take it to safe keeping.” Jan finished reading the letter and then stared out into the musty attic. “I wonder if Mom knows about this.”

She looked over at her cousin Sarah. “You picked the best time to come and visit. I just discovered a secret and you can help me solve it!” Jan wiped her forehead with her arm and eased the letter back into the envelope. “Sarah, did you hear me?” She cast an impatient glance toward the corner of the attic.

“What?” asked Sarah. “What did you say?”

“Come on. Didn’t you hear a word I said?” Jan pulled Sarah from the old trunk where she was going through the contents.

“Wait. Let me put these old clothes back.” Sarah barely had time to toss the items back into the trunk as Jan pulled at her arm.

“You won’t believe this. Oh, shoot! I forgot the jelly jars. Could you get them?”

“Where are. . . ouch! I found them.” Sarah rubbed her toe as she picked up the jars and carried them out of the attic. She limped down the old oak stairway to her aunt’s kitchen below. She looked at Jan and saw the yellowed envelop clasped in her hand.

“Mom! Mom!” Jan yelled as Sarah put down the box of jars. “Where could she be?” Come on, help me find her.” They searched each room of the old house, but her mother was nowhere to be found. They ran outside and looked for the family dog, King, in his favorite spot under the porch.

“King! Where are you boy?”

“Jan, get out from under the porch. There could be snakes curled up under there just waitin’ to strike out at you.”

“Oh, Sarah, you’re a scaredy cat. Besides, they won’t hide under the porch; they know King will chase ‘em out.” Jan dusted off her shorts and looked around the yard. “They’re both missing.” She pressed her lips together and looked at Sarah. “This is a case for the Country Cousins.”

“Country Cousins! Jan you read too many Nancy Drew books. Besides, I live in the city.”

“Not this summer you don’t. You’re my Country Cousin until Labor Day, and we have mysteries to solve.”

“This might be fun,” said Sarah as they walked back into the kitchen.

“Where is Mom? I have to show her this letter,” said Jan. She sat down to catch her breath.

“What letter? Let me see.” Sarah leaned across the table and reached for the envelope.

Jan clenched it against her chest. “Are we partners? Are you a member of The Country Cousins Detective Agency?”

“Yes, yes. I’ll be your partner. Now let me see the letter. Where’d you find it? I didn’t see any old letters in the attic.”

“While you rummaged through the clothes in the trunk, I found this box of old books.” Jan raised her eyebrows and cocked her head in the air. “Look what fell out of one. This letter is dated April 1863. It’s addressed to My Dearest Anna and signed Your loving husband, Henry.”

Attributions: Part Three

Depending on how attributions are used, they can also become a form of telling.

I call the following "impossible attributions" because they create impossibilities.

Chime, deliver, breathe, repeat, seethe, spat, articulate, laugh, conclude, add, roar, state, counter, muse, roar, growl, exclaim, fume, explode, and the list goes on.

Why do these create impossibilities?

A person can't "chime, deliver, breathe, repeat, seethe, spat, articulate," a statement. These vices shout amateur to editors and agents (and if not, they should). Avoid them at all costs.

Here's a quote from Newgate Callender, in The New York Times Book Review:

Mr. (Robert) Ludlum has other peculiarities. For example, he hates the "he said" locution and avoids it as much as possible. Characters in The Bourne Ultimatum seldom “say” anything. Instead, they cry, interject, interrupt, muse, state, counter, conclude, mumble, whisper (Mr. Ludlum is great on whispers), intone, roar, exclaim, fume, explode, mutter. There is one especially unforgettable tautology: “’I repeat,’ repeated Alex.”

The book may sell in the billions, but it’s still junk.

The best thing to do with “said” is to cut it all together and replace it with an action. This will create more “showing” and less “telling.” It pulls us into the story and helps us become more acquainted with the characters. Also, as I said, if one character has dialogue and action in the same paragraph, we’ll automatically know who’s talking so there’s no need to "tell" us who's talking. But if you have to use “said,” then use “said” and not some impossible attribution that hack writers love.

I understand a writer's disillusionment after reading a published book cluttered with misused attributions. But think of it this way, would you rather be known as a writer who writes well, or as a poor writer? Sadly, hack writers get published all the time.

Yes, I'm all for breaking the rules—I talk about it regularly. There's definitely a time and a place to do it. But I believe a writer must master the rules before they can break them.

Dave King and Rennie Browne's book, "Self-Editing for Fiction Writers," goes into detail on attributions, as well as other important writing subjects.

Attributions aren't "wrong." Just use them with care.

Attributions: Part Two

Attributions aren't "wrong." Using them doesn't mean your writing is poor. But if a beat of action can be used, that would be much better. Why? Beats of action can pull your reader deeper into your story. How does it do that? Beats give readers something to see, smell, touch, taste or hear; they reveal details about the character and the setting; they help eliminate useless words; and they can make the writing more active.

If Character A's dialogue is in the same paragraph as the action of Character A, we'll know who's talking, so there's no reason to add "he/she said."

Notice below, we know who's talking because the action and the dialogue of each character is in the same paragraph:

"Let her go!" Abba pushed away from a soldier with his shoulder and lunged forward. "She has nothing to do with this!"

The third soldier rushed over, grabbed Abba and held him back. "Oh, really? That's not what we heard." He motioned toward the man touching Mamma. "Aulus, shouldn't convicts pay the full penalty for their crimes?"

Depending on how attributions are used, they can also become a form of telling. I'll discuss that in Part Three.

So, the fewer attributions, the better.

Here are some before and after examples:

BEFORE

"Let her go!" Abba shouted, pushing away from the soldier. "She has nothing to do with this!"

AFTER

"Let her go!" Abba pushed away from the soldier. "She has nothing to do with this!"

Can you feel the difference between these two lines? "Pushed" is more active than "pushing." It gives the writing more life. A part of the scene is played out with ongoing action; the scene moves forward. The exclamation mark shows that the character is shouting, so there's no reason to tell the readers that Abba is shouting by adding, "he shouted." Also, the sentence is shorter, giving it more punch, which adds to the tension of the scene.

But what about scenes that aren't supposed to have this kind of tension? Will eliminating attributions add tension to a scene that doesn't need it? Scenes will usually have tension, just a different kind.

Here's an example where the tension is beneath the surface, rather than an outside force:

"Well, I'm glad I don't have any sin." Alethea swung her legs as she sat on the wall. She thought to scoot in closer to David so her arm might brush against his. Instead, she basked in his scent of leather and pine.

David rested his elbows on his knees and watched her, but Alethea avoided his gaze. "No one is without sin." He leaned toward her. "No one."

She glanced at him from the corner of her eye, but quickly refocused her attention on the horizon. "It doesn't make sense." She shrugged. "Why make someone die when he could clap his hands and say, 'Your sins are forgiven,' and be done with it?"

David stared at her for a while, his mouth closed as if tasting her words.

Shifting under his scrutinizing gaze, she leaned forward and watched the birds soar and dance on the air in front of them.

A gentle breeze caressed her cheek as David lifted her chin. He forced her to look at him. His blue eyes fixated on hers.

"Passion," he said.

Alethea took a long shuddering breath.

"What shows greater love?" He continued to hold her chin. "Someone who sacrifices himself to save your life, or just claps his hands?"

There are times you'll want your scene to move slowly and adding an attribution will help slow the pace or create the right rhythm. This leads to my favorite subject: breaking the rules. Notice above how after the dialogue "Passion" one attribution is used, but it works to create the right rhythm.

Like I said, attributions aren't "wrong." Just use them with care.

Is this information helpful?

Attributions (dialogue tags)

Let's talk about those pesky dialogue tags, otherwise known as attributions. Did you notice in the final rewrite of the text below (http://thebookdoctorbd.blogspot.com/) that there were no attributions? No, not one. In light of that fact, isn't it interesting that we knew who was talking the entire time, whether it was a soldier, David or his parents? How is that possible? Not one "said" word gave it away? How can that be?

How were we able to follow who was talking?

If anyone is interested in answering that question, we'd love to hear from you.

Oh, for those that don't know what an attribution is, it's "said." As in "he said, she said," etc.

The Master's Wall (final version)

Here's the final draft of The Master's Wall. Compare this version to the one you all edited below. Note the differences. What do the differences teach you?


Rome, 76 A.D.

David tried not to cry, tried not to breathe or make a sound as he crept along the dark street. Careful not to trip on the flat stones, he recalled how that morning he'd taken this same path, chasing friends between the alleys, pretending they were gladiators fighting at the Circus Maximus. Now again he followed the enemy. Only this enemy was real. There were three of them. And they had taken his parents.

Mamma. Abba.

He wanted to shout out their names, to cry out to them.

He could still feel Mamma's hand in his. Could feel her letting go as the soldiers pulled her away. Could feel her stola ripping as he clutched it. All he had left was the shredded fabric from her dress still in his hand.

How empty his hand felt now that she was gone.

He made a fist. All he had in the world. Snatched away. And now their lives might depend on him. On what he would do at this moment. He was just a child, a boy. What could he do? He'd follow them, see where they were taken. Then he could get help. Manius would know what to do.

Voices carried off the mud-brick apartments. David pinned his back against a wall. A shadow moved and he glanced down. A rat scurried across the large stones through the empty street. He released his breath, only then realizing he'd been holding it.

Slowly, he peered around the wall. His fingers quivered as he gripped the brick. Three soldiers towered over his parents in the small street. They looked like giants. Giants with horsehair crests on their heads. Half human, half animal.

One burly monster hurled Mamma forward. She stumbled, but caught herself against Abba's back and clung to his tunic. Abba helped her up and held her against him, but another soldier jerked them apart. These soldiers treated his parents like slaves, like common criminals. They weren't any of those things.

The soldier brandished chains in front of Mamma's face, laughing. Her eyes widened, and David knew she was scared. He'd seen Mamma scared before when he'd come home late one day. She had that same look in her eyes. She'd knelt in front of him and pulled him into her trembling arms. "David. How could you do this to me?" David's stomach had hurt because he'd frightened her. And now, he felt the same way. But what could he do?

The soldier chuckled as he knelt to bind her ankles, while another soldier held her from behind.

Abba would do something. He had to save Mamma. But now Abba's arms were bound behind his back.

The man's large hands locked the shackles into place on Mamma's ankles. He then ran his fingers up Mamma's leg, pulling her stola up to reveal her thigh. "Nice."

"Let her go!" Abba pushed away from a soldier with his shoulder and lunged forward. "She has nothing to do with this!"

The third soldier rushed over, grabbed Abba and held him back. "Oh, really? That's not what we heard." He motioned toward the man touching Mamma. "Aulus, shouldn't convicts pay the full penalty for their crimes?"

"Oh, yes." Aulus smiled and continued to touch Mamma, to touch her in places David had never seen Abba touch her. The man's big hands on her body made her look small, helpless.

Stop. David clenched his teeth. Stop it right now.

The burly soldier's hands ran all over her, frightening her.

Someone had to stop him. But no one else was around to help.

No one but David.

"Get away from her!" David ran straight for the soldier.

Anyone can call themselves an editor.

During my years as an editor I've run into a number of clients who've had their work already "edited" by someone else, but they've found themselves discouraged and wanting to give up. Some have even said they feel like their story is no longer their own. When they've shown me what the person did to their work, I've been astonished to find their voice completely mutilated.

Just because a person has a degree in English does not mean they'd make a good editor—or shall I say, book doctor. Believe it or not, even published authors don't necessarily make good book doctors.

Personally, I think the term "editor" should belong to the copyeditors, and "book doctor" should belong to those that understand voice, dialogue, attributions, characterization, plot, etc. Of course, we check for spelling, grammar and punctuation, but in the end, that's the job of a copyeditor. Copyeditors are usually found in publishing houses. Your manuscript will end up on their desk after it's passed the test of "story" (i.e. plot, characterization, dialogue, etc). See the link to The Book Deal under my list of recommended links. There, Alan Rinzler talks about what makes a good editor/book doctor. Instead of the term "book doctor," he uses "developmental editor" and describes what that means. You may find it helpful.

Anyway, it bothers me to see "editors" taking advantage of writers. Some folks are only in it for the money and aren't interested in really helping authors. And other folks, simply don't know what they're doing.

Always be extra careful before you hand out large sums of money. Do your research, talk to previous clients, ask for references. A good editor will be happy to offer these things to you, and they will be willing to answer questions after the edit and/or speak to you on the phone. Be leery of any editor who isn't willing to do these things. Here are some links that would be good to read before you hire an editor: Warnings and Cautions for Writers and Preditors & Editors. If some of you have more, please send them my way, and I'll put them on the site.

My biggest advice on selecting a high quality editor is to ask to speak to (or email) previous clients. The clients already paid their dues, and they got a full edit. They're the ones who can tell you if the editor is worth their price.

Keep in mind, while I can't analyze every detail of the work of every editor here, the ones I put on this site are, in my opinion, the most trustworthy. Check 'em out, and if you're so inclined, hire one of them. :-) Side note: I'm not taking on any clients at this time.

One of the goals of this site is to teach writers how to recognize good editing. The biggest mistake I've seen editors make is to change a person's voice, therefore, killing their story. How can a writer know if someone is destroying their voice? Hang around here for a while, and hopefully you'll learn.

Got questions about what makes a good editor (book doctor)? Send them in: TheBookDoctor.bd@gmail.com.