I normally would have put the critique/edit up by now, but a number of you are afraid to comment on the submission below because this is children's fiction.
Other than sentence length and word count, the same rules apply: showing versus telling, POV, attributions, dialogue, etc. Janet and Victoria touched on some important points regarding showing versus telling. What else can improve this manuscript?
Let's stretch those writing muscles. Show us what you know about the craft and expand on the points already made, or add your own. Maybe even show us more examples. This will help strengthen your abilities and make your own work stronger--no matter what genre you write.
Show us what you've got!