tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4394229508004811632.post9164044337494735795..comments2024-01-22T12:12:17.447-07:00Comments on The Book Doctor: The Self-EditorThe Book Doctorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04630790153730670666noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4394229508004811632.post-29663295808636715852009-08-09T14:02:39.494-06:002009-08-09T14:02:39.494-06:00Thank you, Bonnie! Great catches. Excellent. You c...Thank you, Bonnie! Great catches. Excellent. You came close to it, Bonnie. There's still one snag that no one has caught yet. Anyone want to give it a shot?<br /><br />SandiThe Book Doctorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04630790153730670666noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4394229508004811632.post-73630867963965373382009-08-08T15:24:48.115-06:002009-08-08T15:24:48.115-06:00This is a good beginning of a story. Let me add tw...This is a good beginning of a story. Let me add two things I noticed in addition to the great criticism you already have above: <br /><br />The word "very" is unnecessary. Eliminate it and find stronger verbs. <br /><br />Also be careful of "was" or any form of "to be." These tend to result in passive sentences, not action ones that you need in this section. Replace the "wases" again with action verbs. You'll have to rearrange the sentence and it's a bit more work but results in stronger writing. <br /><br />Keep it up!Bonnie Doranhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10438865207169596408noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4394229508004811632.post-22774142300526063582009-08-05T22:49:31.103-06:002009-08-05T22:49:31.103-06:00Great job, JS!
And yes, there's lots more.
...Great job, JS!<br /><br />And yes, there's lots more. <br /><br />Anybody else want to try?<br /><br />Have at it!The Book Doctorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04630790153730670666noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4394229508004811632.post-45531093571160111702009-08-05T19:17:21.690-06:002009-08-05T19:17:21.690-06:00Hey, this is like "Where's Waldo" fo...Hey, this is like "Where's Waldo" for writers!<br />Here's some "Waldos" I found:<br /><br />1. The word "David" is repeated 18 times.<br /><br />2. You don't say who the terrible soldiers are in the first paragraph.<br /><br />3. Lots of telling. He felt this, he felt that.<br /><br />4. peaked should be "peeked."<br /><br />5. whip out chains (cliche and modern terminology).<br /><br />6. Which soldier is Aulus? It isn't clear. I assume Aulus is the mean wicked burly soldier, am I right?<br /><br />I'm sure there's more.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07236149565258576312noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4394229508004811632.post-7940767573900177222009-08-05T11:02:10.214-06:002009-08-05T11:02:10.214-06:00neat idea for a blog! i'll have to check back ...neat idea for a blog! i'll have to check back often to see what all tips you give. :)Jeannie Campbell, LMFThttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13958943404601029395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4394229508004811632.post-35963330486907735042009-08-04T16:23:05.803-06:002009-08-04T16:23:05.803-06:00Hey, Sandi, this is a great blog! Wishing you all ...Hey, Sandi, this is a great blog! Wishing you all the best with it!<br /><br />Hugs,<br />JoanJ. M. Hochstetlerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07291602346312967152noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4394229508004811632.post-70591723782628895262009-08-04T15:04:31.590-06:002009-08-04T15:04:31.590-06:00Thank you everyone for your responses. :-)
Katt,...Thank you everyone for your responses. :-) <br /><br />Katt, not too brutal at all! This is the idea. It's one way to learn. And remember, I rewrote this poorly on purpose. So you won't hurt my feelings. <br /><br />Keep at it folks. There's a lot more to find. <br /><br />SandiThe Book Doctorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04630790153730670666noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4394229508004811632.post-80904559417196787752009-08-04T09:13:18.646-06:002009-08-04T09:13:18.646-06:00The little snippet is well done, except for a few ...The little snippet is well done, except for a few things I saw. I take it this is in first person, where his thoughts and fears are allowed. The second paragraph where he thought about Manius, his thoughts should be after he introduced Manius. Did they really have apartments in that time? Wouldn't they be houses? If this is first person, how did he know his mother was scared? "She jumped and had a frightened look on her face." He could not feel how she felt. The part where "touched her all over her." One of the her's should be eliminated. Also, there is a lot of David's name used. I know we don't need a lot of "he" but we can go too far with a name.<br />You asked for this Sandi. I hope I was not too brutal.Katt Scribbleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08729122890989513293noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4394229508004811632.post-84037120130551679382009-08-04T07:31:41.876-06:002009-08-04T07:31:41.876-06:00Without rewriting I would say ONE of the big issue...Without rewriting I would say ONE of the big issues here is you don't go into deep POV. Drop the THOUGHT, FELT, WONDERED. Put them into questions to himself or SHOW his feelings instead of saying he felt angry show the feeling. Your doing way too much telling and not enough showing in this. And I'll let the next poster take it from there. Great Job Sandi!!Debbie Lynne Costellohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16381517812227326616noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4394229508004811632.post-64601751940371038432009-08-04T04:39:38.266-06:002009-08-04T04:39:38.266-06:00A commendable idea for a post/posts. There is no d...A commendable idea for a post/posts. There is no doubt that it will be useful to many, including myself. I shall return when I have a tad more time to devote to it. Excellent.Dave Kinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08430484174826768488noreply@blogger.com